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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24356599">The Long Way Down</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/attheendoftheworld/pseuds/attheendoftheworld'>attheendoftheworld</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Death Stranding (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon-Typical Violence, Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Romance, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Higgs is kind of an asshole, Higgs' Dad is an asshole, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Murder, PTSD, Past Child Abuse, Slow Burn, Smut, TW: Blood, Tags May Change, They both need a Hug, Violence, but you know, currently on hold, he just doesn't know yet, i mean yeah of course death it's called death stranding, it gets a little dark sometimes, listen... Higgs has a crush on Sam, not finished</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 09:27:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>18,752</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24356599</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/attheendoftheworld/pseuds/attheendoftheworld</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>No matter how hard Sam tries, in the end he always ends up running into trouble.</p><p>This time he's forced to work with Higgs, who, after being gone for 5 years, has recently re-appeared in Sam's life. They team up for a trip to Lake Knot city that turns out much more dangerous than they both anticipated.</p><p>Not only does Sam have to worry about BTs and MULEs, but he also has to decide whether or not Higgs is trustworthy... or if this new friendship is just another game for him.</p><p>This is a sequel for my series "Bridges", which consists of 3 seperate works. I recomment reading that one first, but it's not a must.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sam Porter Bridges &amp; Higgs Monaghan, Sam Porter Bridges/Higgs Monaghan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>73</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>147</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Too Good To Be True</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Just a heads up, this fic isn't technically finished but I'm currently not in a good place and will therefore pause this work. I might pick it up again or I might not, who knows. </p><p> </p><p>Thanks to everyone who takes the time to read this! Really means a lot.</p><p>This is my first attempt to write something longer, I already have a few chapters finished. Again, English isn't my native language, so let me now if any senctence doesn't make any sense at all! ^^;</p><p>I'd recommend you'd read my first series "Bridges" before this one, because it kind of builds onto that and it will make more sense if you know the other works. In summary: Higgs and Sam have run into each other a few times and helped each other out. Last time they've met, they sort of agreed to 'bury the hatchet', but things are still somewhat complicated.</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>There are days that are just too good to be true. They start off so great, so nearly perfect, something just has to go wrong. Sam has had plenty of those days.<br/>When the weather is too nice and the trip too easy something else usually comes along to ruin his day. <br/>Not today though.<br/>No, today will be a good day, one without trouble, without sudden timefall or MULES or other inconveniences.  Sam’s had enough of that in the last couple of months, and by God, he deserves a break. </p><p>Or:</p><p>Sam just wants one normal working day? Is that too much to ask?</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There are days that are just too good to be true. They start off so great, so nearly perfect, something just has to go wrong. Sam has had plenty of those days.</p><p>When the weather is too nice and the trip too easy something else usually comes along to ruin his day. </p><p>
  <em> Not today though. </em>
</p><p>No, <b>today </b>will be a good day, one without trouble, without sudden timefall or MULES or other inconveniences.  Sam’s had enough of that in the last couple of months, and by God, he deserves a break. </p><p>It’s noon when Sam reaches the Timefall Farm and he’s impressed by how much the farm has grown since his last visit. The farmer, Rowan, and his wife Brie started growing more than just wheat a long time ago. They had successfully grown tomatoes about the time Lou took her first few shakey steps. By the time Lou spoke her first word (“Dadda” of course) they had cultivated potatoes. Since then, the farm has continually kept growing. </p><p> </p><p>Sam likes to visit the farm and since it’s not far from his own shelter, he does so whenever he can. Rowan and Brie are friendly people, kind, and they always have a little bonus six-pack of Timefall Porter for him; a ‘small tip for his troubles’, as they call it. </p><p>As he approaches the farm he is greeted with the familiar smell of freshly baked bread that always lingers around here. It smells incredibly good, warm and tasty and Sam's mouth starts watering. He hasn't had any breakfast yet. Maybe he should use the chance, take a little break, get a bite to eat, catch up and -</p><p> </p><p>“Ouch!”</p><p>"Whoops! Hey there, buddy!”</p><p>Sam flinches back at the sign of whatever deformed monstrosity he's looking at. His hand twitches and he instinctively reaches for his gun when-</p><p>"The hell?"</p><p>It’s not a monstrosity, not a unholy creature that crept out of some cave (he really needs to stop watching these atrocious old horror movies.)</p><p>It's just a Porter wearing one of those VOG masks. Sam lets his hand sink down.</p><p>"You eh… you alright?" </p><p>Sam did not expect to, quite literally, walk into another person around here. Especially not one dressed like this freak. His heart is still pounding.</p><p>"Didn’t scare you, did I? Heh. " The weirdo knocks on his helmet. "I uh… had a little accident couple years ago. Really ugly little accident. Welp, been wearing the helmet since then. It’s not um… a pretty picture underneath here. Could take it off and walk straight into BT territory and they’d be scared of <b>me</b>. Heh. But I don’t wanna scare all you uh… normal people here, right?”</p><p>Sam just nods confused.. Whatever this nutjub is trying to tell him, he doesn't care. </p><p>"Alright, anyway, I gotta… gotta go? Well yeah....Nice to meet you! And as my mommy used to say: don't let the BTs bite ya!"</p><p>He hurries out the door before Sam can reply anything. Sam stares after him.  Whatever accident this guy had his brain obviously took some damage too.</p><p>
  <em> Fucking Weirdo. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>"Sam! Good to see you!"</p><p>The chiralgramms of Rowan and Brie flicker for a short moment before they become clear. They look happy to see him.</p><p>“How are you Sam? Everything alright?”</p><p><br/>“Hmm. Guy scared the crap out of me.”</p><p>“Who? Seán?” Brie smiles apologetically. “He’s a little odd. I think he had an accident a few years ago. Something happened to his face. He won’t take off the mask, even though we’ve asked him several times. But he’s alright. A good guy, actually.”</p><p>“Hmm.” Sam can’t say he’s convinced.</p><p>“How’s Lou? Everything good with her?”</p><p><br/>“Hmhm. Full of the joys of spring.” Sam opens the terminal display. “You got any new orders in?”</p><p>Rowan suddenly furrows his brows. Sam suddenly has a feeling that his perfect day is about to become a whole lot less perfect.</p><p>“Listen, Sam, now that you mention it… we have a favour to ask. Lake Knot requested a large delivery of food rations. Bread, vegetables…basically everything. They’re in a jam, sine most of their last delivery got stolen by MULEs.”</p><p>“Lake Knot? But that’s-”</p><p>“We know, Sam, it’s a lot to ask. We’ve been begging every Porter that has passed through here.  Most don’t even want to take on such a long tour. Seán is actually one of the few who agreed to help out. And Lake Knot isn’t paying bad -”</p><p>“They better be paying good, it’s a two day trip to even get there, hell, maybe three with cargo!”</p><p>Rowan looks abashed.<br/>“Look Sam, wouldn’t ask if these people didn’t need the supplies. If they don’t receive new rations soon there’s going to be riots. People are desperate..”</p><p> </p><p>Sam exhales. It’s been a while since he has sworn to himself to only ever take on simple orders, the ones that allow him to leave in the morning and pick up Lou in the evening. He can count down on one hand the few times when he didn’t make it home in time (and the one time he made it home, but had a…special guest that he didn’t want Lou to meet) and Lou had to stay overnight at Christine's place. Not that Lou would mind too much, she enjoys having a sleepover at “Aunt Christine’s”. Christine, the elderly lady who watches over Lou when Sam is working,  is a good soul, she’s happy to spend time with Lou and Lou loves her dearly. No, it was Sam who always felt bad afterwards for leaving her with somebody else overnight. Getting to Lake Knot and back will take him 4, maybe 5 days - assuming everything goes well and he doesn’t run into trouble. He’s never been separated from her for so long.</p><p>Besides that, it’s been years since Sam has visited one of the big cities. </p><p> </p><p>“You haven’t told anyone about me or Lou, have you?” </p><p>“God, no, of course not! Bridges still thinks you went missing. They probably assume you’re dead by now.”</p><p>It was one of the few conditions Sam made before he agreed to work with the Farm. Sure, Bridges puffed up his story, made it seem like he was a national hero. People like sappy stories. But Sam refused a direct order when he saved Lou from the incinerator. He freed her from her pod; a crime in the eyes of the UCA. Even with his status as a national hero he doesn't trust that Lou would be save if the UCA would ever find out about her. </p><p> </p><p>As if she has read his mind Brie turns to him.</p><p>"You’re not doing this for the UCA, you’re doing this for the people of -</p><p>“So now you’ve already decided that I’m doing this?” Sam snarls.</p><p><br/>“Sam… those people need you.”</p><p>Sam shakes his head. Some days are just start off way too good.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Decisions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>What have you gotten yourself into this time, Sam?</p><p>Sam leaves through the big gate with a frown on his face. He can't help but think about how he never wanted another city to “count on him” ever again. The only person he wants to be responsible for is Lou. He thought he was through with missions like this, done for good. And yet here he is.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"We've added an extra bag of food supplies for your journey. Should last you long enough to get to the city."</p><p>Even though the food looks good (freshly baked bread, various fruits and vegetables) Sam's apatite has vanished. He zips up the bag.</p><p>"You'll send my message to Christine?"</p><p>Rowan nods. “You can count on us, Sam. We’ll tell her that you'll be back in a few days.</p><p>Just… Be careful out there. Lake Knot counts on you.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> What have you gotten yourself into this time, Sam? </em>
</p><p>Sam leaves through the big gate with a frown on his face. He can't help but think about how he never wanted another city to “count on him” ever again. The only person he wants to be responsible for is Lou. He thought he was through with missions like this, done for good. And yet here he is. Somehow Bridges always manages to get him back into -</p><p> </p><p>"Sam Bridges? THE Sam Bridges?"</p><p>
  <em> Shit. </em>
</p><p>Sam spins around. Leaned against one of the big combine harvester stands… what did Brie say his name was? John? No… Seán?</p><p>"Hey there Buddy, wait a second!"</p><p>Maybe if Sam ignores him he'll just let it go.</p><p>“Hey, Sam?”</p><p><em> Jesus </em>.</p><p>Sam doubts that anybody would actually believe this lunatick, even <em> if </em> he went on running around, telling people that he met the <em> famous </em>Sam Porter Bridges...They would probably believe he was exposed to a little too much chiralium. As Brie said, most people believe Sam is dead anyway. Still… Rumours are the last thing he needs right now.</p><p>"I don’t know any ‘Sam’”, he mumbles.</p><p>"But you’re… you’re Sam Bridges, aren’t you?! Ho-ly shit!” Even though it’s muffled under the mask, Sam can hear Seàn's voice overflow with excitement. “You're the guy! I heard 'em call you 'Sam'.</p><p>Sam stops. </p><p>"You've been eavesdropping?!"</p><p>"Well, it ain't eavesdropping if I'm just happening to stand by, right? Heh." He sounds pleased with himself. Sam decides that, despite Brie assuring that he’s ‘a good guy’, Sam doesn't like Seán very much. </p><p>"Listen", Sam says as he pushes past him. "I gotta get to going, I have to reach-"</p><p>"Oh, you on your way to Lake Knot? Hey, I got an idea! How about we go there together? Team up, heh? Me and the legendary Sam Bridges. Whaddya say?”</p><p>Sam sights. "I work alone."</p><p>Seán makes a hissing sound. "Ouch. Really? You sure you don't want a… helping hand?"</p><p>His voice drops and all of a sudden his bubbly tone is gone and his dorky attitude is replaced with something sharp, threatening and… familiar.</p><p>"I think we would both benefit from a cooperation. Don't you think, Sammy?"</p><p>
  <em> Sammy. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> No. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Not this shit again. </em>
</p><p>Sam stares in disbelief as Seán (well… that’s not his real name, is it? What's with him and the costumes anyway?) pulls down the mask.<br/>Cold, blue eyes stare at Sam.</p><p> </p><p>Time stops. Higgs' expression is as unfathomable as ever, the slight grin on his face could ´mean anything -  amusement  or straight up bloodthirst.</p><p>Sam's hand twitches, but he forces himself to stand still. Seconds pass and it seems like neither of them dares to make the first move and tip the scale. Sam knows that after their last run in, this can go either way. All it takes is one wrong movement to start their usual dance, shooting pistols, drawing knifes and bloody noses. Last time they met they both agreed to bury the hatchet. But that doesn’t mean anything. Sam knows that promises made with a buzzed up mind tend to get broken once both parties have sobered up. </p><p> </p><p>It is Higgs who finally breaks the tension, when he suddenly bursts into laughter.</p><p>"You should see your face, Sam! Hey, lighten up a notch!" He lightly taps Sam's shoulder, gives him a little pat on the back like they’re old friends.</p><p>"You need to be more careful. Wouldn't want those Bridges assholes to find out about you, hm?" He opens up the bag that’s slung over his shoulder. </p><p>Sam let's out the breath he's been holding. "What the fuck are you doing here?"</p><p>Higgs stops digging through the bag.</p><p>"I’m working. Thought they told you." He pulls out an apple that he eyes sceptically, before he wipes it off on his chest. "<em> 'Seán is one of the few porters who even accepted to deliver to Lake Knot. </em>'" his imitation of the Brie’s voice is anything but charming.</p><p>"All the way up to Lake Knot?"</p><p>"Oh, but all those people need me, Sammy. They’re holding out for a hero… well, here I am." He says sarcastically before he takes a bite off his apple.</p><p>"Sure as hell has nothing to do with the shitton of likes Lake Knot pays, huh?"</p><p>Higgs shrugs. “A man’s gotta eat.”</p><p>Sam furrows his brows. </p><p>"What do you want, Sam? Huh?"</p><p>"Just making sure you don't deliver any more of you 'special packages' to the cities."</p><p>Higgs huffs. "Special deliveries ain't my thing anymore, alright?"</p><p>"Still a fucking long and dangerous trip for a few likes."</p><p>Higgs turns to him, the biggest smile plastered on his face.</p><p>"Well, now that you mention it-”</p><p>“No.” </p><p>"Oh, come on, Sammy! Hear me out, would ya?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p><br/>“Sam-!”</p><p>“No, we’re done here.” Sam turns around to leave but Higgs gets in his way.</p><p>“No, we ain’t ‘<em>done here </em> ’!” The sharp tone has returned to his voice.</p><p><br/>“The way I see it, it’s pretty simple: You need me and I need you. That’s a fact even you should be able to understand, Bridges.”</p><p>“I don’t need you.” Sam growls.</p><p>“Is that so? So you <em> can </em> see BTs now? That’s funny, thought it was more of a… <em>feeling,"  </em>he wiggles his fingers,<em>" </em>for you. Not really useful once they start circling you in.”</p><p>Sam presses his lips together but doesn't answer. Higgs is right. He can’t see them without the help of a Bridge Baby.</p><p>"And if I remember correctly, last time <b>you </b> were the one who invited <b>me </b>to a trip to Mountain Knot City."</p><p>That, of course, is also true, even though Sam wishes Higgs wouldn't remember that part. The last encounter they had was… odd and he would love to blame it on the booze they both ended up sharing. In the end Sam’s mouth had been faster than his tipsy brain and he had asked Higgs to come along without even thinking twice. But last time…</p><p> </p><p>"Last time was different." Sam murmurs.</p><p>"Different how, Sam?"</p><p>"Different cause you've acted like an actual human for once!" Sam feels his voice raise, but he can't do anything to control it. "Not like a psychopath with a God complex. Don’t know what kind of fucked up game you’re playing this time, but I sure as hell don’t wanna find out.”</p><p>The corner of Higgs' mouth twitches and for a moment Sam is convinced that this conversation will end in bloodshed again. To his surprise Higgs calms his voice, until it almost sounds soft.</p><p>"This isn't a game, Sam. Last time I was… you've caught me at a bad time there. I'll give you that.” He turns away from Sam but Sam catches the strange look on his face anyway. "But I'm not a liar. We can be useful for each other, Sammy.  I can make your life so much easier if you let me. We’d make a great team, you and I. Working together. Porter and Porter." He sights. "Ah, I wonder what she would  have to say to that. Your sister. Do you think she'd approve of that? Her <em>pawns</em> working together.</p><p>That’s enough bullshit for one day. Sam turns around on his heels and storms off. He knows he's dangerously close to doing something he'd regret.</p><p>“I’d rather saw off my both my legs that work with you!”  he hisses over his back. Higgs just stays there, puzzled.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Fucking crazy psychopath. What the hell were you thinking?! </em>
</p><p>No, this is just proof that Higgs can’t be trusted. Deep down there might be a part of him that still feels something and that part might be actually pretty miserable and depressed, but that doesn’t mean he's not just an asshole on the outside, still blaming others for the things he’s done. Sam slows down a little, allowing his racing heartbeat to normalise.<br/>No, Higgs is still the same person who plays his little mind games with other people. And now he’s trying to pull Amelie into this, as if she ever had a choice? As if she choose her destiny? No, fuck him. Sam let his compassion get the best of him last time, but that won’t happen again. </p><p> </p><p>“If you won’t do it for yourself, then maybe for your daughter?”</p><p>Sam stops dead in his track and turns around.</p><p>
  <em>How the hell did he get here so fast?</em>
</p><p>“What did you just say?”</p><p>“Easy there. You wanna get back here fast, safe and sound, don’t ya? I can navigate through  BT territory much faster than you. And we both stand a better chance if we run into MULES. Now all I need is a little bit of trust from you.”</p><p>"How do you-"</p><p>"Oh, come on, Sam. I'm really trying here." And although Higgs delivers the line like a joke, Sam doesn't miss the shift in his voice, how he tries to hide something behind a fake laugh. </p><p>“If you’re trying to-”</p><p>“Sam. No games, no traps, no bullshit. Scout's honour.”</p><p>Sam hesitates.</p><p>“You can still see ‘em?”</p><p>“Clear as I’m seeing you standing here.”</p><p><br/>Sam weights up the pros and cons. Travelling in groups has always been safer, but does that include travelling with Higgs? Sure, he might be able to see BTs, but that won’t help Sam much, if Higgs suddenly decides that it’s a fun little game to let Sam run into one on purpose. It's not worth it. Higgs can't be trusted, no matte what-</p><p>“‘<em>No, more trying to kill each other. </em>’ Your words, not mine.”</p><p>Sam bites his tongue until he tastes blood.</p><p>
  <em> Fine. Fuck it. </em>
</p><p>“Lake Knot City. Two days-”</p><p>“Two days isn’t enough-”</p><p>“<em> Two days </em>, Higgs. We get there, make our delivery, that’s it. I go my way, you go yours. If you try to pull any weird stunt I’m out. Got it?”</p><p>Sam can’t say if it’s the right decision. The chance to get back to Lou faster, to be able to see her again in only a few days, might have made him reckless and naive.</p><p>What he is sure about is that does not like the way Higgs face lights up as he raises his hand to offer a handshake to Sam. </p><p>“So we got a deal then?”</p><p>“Just get the fuck going.”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Broken</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>After Sam has agreed to let Higgs tag along, they're finally on their way to Lake Knot. It doesn't take long until they run into the first problem.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Sam.”<br/>Sam ignores the voice. His eyes are glued to the way ahead of him while he marches on through the endless fields of green. Every once in a while he bypasses another chiral crystal, glistening in the sun, beautiful and strange at the same time, but Sam doesn't bother to collect chiralium anymore since he left Bridges. He has no need for it and the times when he would do their dirty work are over.</p><p>“Sam!”<br/>The voice gets louder as he hears footsteps approaching him from behind. Higgs is breathing heavily.</p><p>“Would you stop it you goddamn-"</p><p>“Stop what?” Sam snaps.</p><p>"Oh, come on, I get it; you gotta prove you're better than me. Well, congrats, you win. Now slow down. Gimme a chance to keep up, for God's sake."</p><p>Sam doesn’t bother to answer to Higgs (and certainly won't apologize) but he slows down ever so slightly so Higgs can walk besides him. </p><p> </p><p>After a while Higgs seems to get bored by the silence. "So! Sam Bridges, the legend who disappeared five years ago. Vanished from the face of earth, just like that, never to be seen again. You’re not scared to enter Lake Knot City? Being on UCA territory? </p><p>“Whaddya mean? This is all part of the UCA now.”</p><p>“Ah, yeah. That’s what they like to tell themselves. Truth is they never really reached those people out in the back. Not much of a connection going on here if you ask me.”</p><p>“Yeah, but I'm not asking you. I just wanna deliver this shit and I’ll be on my way.”</p><p>Choosing not to be offended by Sam's comment, Higgs instead keeps pressing him. "You're really not scared they’ll find out who you are? Not even a teeny-tiny bit?”</p><p>“And what about you, huh? What if they recognize your face? How on earth are you even taking on orders?”</p><p>Higgs face lightens up.</p><p>“You know, I was wondering when you would ask. I’ll tell you what, I’ll share a secret with ya.” He reaches into the front pocket of his suit and pulls out a little plastic card that he then holds out for Sam. “Go ahead, take a look.”</p><p>Sam carefully takes the card from Higgs. It’s an ID, the same type freelancers use to identify themselves. On the front it has a name written in black letters.</p><p>“‘Seán Galanis’. Who the hell is Seán Galanis?”</p><p><br/>Higgs cheerful expression suddenly drops. He takes back the ID and slowly brushes his thumb over the engraved name.</p><p>“He was … a friend.” He puts the card back into his pocket. When he looks up, his smug grin has returned, but it just doesn't quite reach his eyes. . “Well, figured he wouldn’t miss it, so I took it and modified it a bit. Neat, huh?” His smile looks terribly fake.</p><p>
  <em> The crater up in the mountains.  </em>
</p><p>Sam's curiosity almost makes him ask, almost makes him dig deeper, but he bites his tongue last minute.</p><p>“So what, you’ve just been working as a Porter?”</p><p>“Same as you, Sam. Not much else to do for a wanted terrorist. And people are thankful for every helping hand. They need me. Of course I’m no Sam “<em> Oh great deliverer, I’ll name all my kids after you </em>” Bridges by any means.”</p><p>Higgs’ a little-over-the-top-yet-almost-accurate observation actually manages to put a grin on Sam’s face. From what he has heard, some people really started to worship him like a saint after he disappeared.</p><p>“Want an autograph?”</p><p>Higgs chuckles. “Oh, please, Sam, you’re making my wildest dreams come true." he says playfully. “An autograph by UCA’s favourite delivery boy. I’ll frame it and put it right next to my-”</p><p>“Next to your what?”</p><p>But Sam’s question remains unanswered. Something else has caught Higgs’ attention. He frowns. “Look at this shit.”</p><p>Sam follows his gaze, but it takes him a moment before he realizes that -</p><p> "Oh, you gotta be kidding me…”</p><p> </p><p>Last time Sam had to pass the river had noticed that the bridge wasn’t in a great condition. Somebody had built it a long time ago, but people rarely pass through here, so nobody ever really took care of it. He remembers that he wanted to bring some materials to repair it, but as it happens so often, other things got in the way and he forgot about it entirely.<br/>It’s been a few months since then and in the meantime timefall has done it’s duty and only caused more damage. Torn and worn from the weather, the bridge has finally given in.</p><p>While most part of it remained intact, the last quarter of the bridge has broken down, leaving nothing but a gaping hole over a torrential river.  </p><p> </p><p>“Well, I guess that <b>used </b>to be a bridge.”</p><p>"Smartass." Sam is not in the mood for jokes.</p><p>They step closer to inspect the damage. The remains of the  bridge produces  a creaking sound upon stepping on, but it seems to hold up for now.</p><p> </p><p>“Now what?”<br/><br/>Higgs stares at the water. “I gotta make a confession, Sam. I’ve never had swimming lessons.”</p><p>Sam scowls at him. “You done being funny?” He hates to admit it, but Higgs is right with his implication: the water is too deep and the current too strong to cross over.<br/><br/>“Welp, we could walk downriver-”</p><p>“Yeah and lose half a day!” Sam doesn’t even try to hide his frustration.</p><p>Higgs steps to the edge of bridge. “Well, guess we’ll have to find another way then.”<br/><br/>“What do you mean?”<br/><br/>He points down. “See the debris there poking out of the water? We can use it to cross over. Not the safest way, but definitely faster.”</p><p>Sam hesitates. There’s no way of telling how stable the rubble is and if it’s going to support their weight. It’s dangerous but what’s the alternative? He knows the river and the next narrow is miles downward.</p><p>“You think you can make it over?” He turns to Higgs who as already loosened the straps on his cargo. He shrugs. “Guess I’m gonna find out, huh?”</p><p> </p><p>Sam watches with an unnerving feeling as Higgs puts his cargo down and then lowers himself close to the edge. He takes a deep breath. “Well, wish me luck, Bridges.” <br/>And with that the lets himself slide over the edge and onto the first piece of debris. He looks up to Sam with a grin. “Seems stable enough!”</p><p>“Alright!”<br/><em> Just be careful you fucking idiot. </em></p><p><br/>Sam watches with fascination how Higgs makes his way over the river, hopping from piece to piece, all while he ignores the thundering current around him. He has to admit, Higgs might be anything, but not a coward. After a few minutes he finally reaches the other side, where he pulls himself up to the shore. <br/>“You alright?”</p><p>Higgs gives him a thumbs up to show that he’s okay. “Toss over the cargo, Sam! I’ll catch!”<br/><br/></p><p>It takes a few minutes and some biceps muscles, but at last every container has been moved the other side.<br/>“‘That was the last one!”“</p><p>Alright, come on! And try standing in the middle so you don’t-”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m not an idiot!”</p><p>“You sure about that?”</p><p>Sam glances down and feels his heart sink. </p><p>
  <em> Come on, this is bullshit. Higgs had no trouble getting over. </em>
</p><p>He lets his body slide over the edge like Higgs did, carefully not to hurt himself on the metal scraps. The last thing he needs is a tetanus infection. <br/>The first platform feels surprisingly solid. Maybe this isn’t so bad after all. </p><p>He makes it to the next piece without problems. The one after that is a little tricky, because it doesn't offer much space to stand on, but luckily Sam has a good sense of balance. He almost made it over the river, all he has to do now is make it to the final pieces of the broken bridge. From there he’ll be able to reach the shore.</p><p>“Not bad, Bridges!”</p><p>“Shut up, Higgs!”</p><p>Sam hears Higgs chuckle from the other side but he has no time to look up. This takes up all his concentration. No matter how Sam turns and twists it, he has to make a jump to reach the final platform. This might not have been hard for Higgs, but he’s a head taller than Sam. He takes deep breath.</p><p><em> Damn, this would be so much easier with a power skeleton. </em> <em> <br/></em>Sam pushes himself off the ground, lands - and immediately feels something is wrong when the cold water hits his legs.</p><p>Sam looks down to where his food should be, but there’s only water. The platform he was supposed to land on is halfway gone, tipped over by his weight and he can already feel the remainder drift under his other foot, threatening to slip away. </p><p>Panicking, he does the only thing that comes to his mind - he leaps forward in a desperate attempt to reach the edge of the shore.</p><p>The current crashes against his body and instantly pulls his legs away from under him. Sam loses his balance. With his arms flailing through the air, he tries to hold onto something, <em> anything </em> . <br/>His left hand finds something in the water and Sam just grabs it, clenches his fist around it, ignoring the sharp pain he immediately feels.</p><p>“Sam! Goddamn it!"</p><p><br/>Sam glances up. Higgs’ face is hovering above him. “Hold tight, I’ll get ya!”</p><p><br/>The stream pulls on Sam’s body and he suddenly becomes oddly aware of how his clothes soak up more and more of the cold water and pull him down further. He feels an upcoming cramp in his arm and fights it back with all his willpower.</p><p>“Here!” Higgs reappears into his field of view. now lying on his stomach, his hand reaching out for Sam. “I’ll pull you up! Come on!”</p><p><br/>“I can’t! I can’t reach you!” Sam yells at the top of his lungs but he can hardly hear anything. The roaring of the river swallows all other noise.</p><p>“You gotta let go of that plank!”</p><p>“I can’t! Current’s too strong!”</p><p><br/>“Just trust me!”</p><p>“Are you fucking serious?!"</p><p><br/>“Sam, stop being a stubborn prick and let me fucking help you!”</p><p>Sam feels the muscles in his arm cramping up again. </p><p>“Just trust me, okay?”</p><p>Sam takes a deep breath. He let’s go of his anchor.</p><p>He immediately gets sucked under water. Something hard hits his head as he’s being tossed around by the stream. Where is left, where is right? Up? Down?  He can’t tell. Only thing he knows is that -</p><p>“Gotcha!”</p><p><br/>Sam feels fingers digging into his arm, a grip that’s painful and he’d complain if he wasn’t so damn relieved.</p><p>“God damn, you’re heavy!” Higgs hisses through clenched teeth. “Come on!” </p><p>Air. Ground. Grass under his fingertips. He hears somebody cough and realizes it’s himself, getting rid of all the water in his lungs. It burns. It feels amazing. Air.</p><p>A voice, somewhere to his left, obviously out of breath. It’s Higgs. “Well, I guess that means you never had swimming lessons either, Bridges?”</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Blue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Higgs and Sam take a well deserved break.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Welp, I guess all in all it wasn’t so bad for our first day, was it?”<br/>
<em> If looks could kill. </em></p><p>Sam's death glare might be impressive at first, but after seeing it  dozens of times today, it has lost all its effect on Higgs. Hell, he is actually starting to find it amusing.</p><p>“Aw. Don't gimme that look. You're not cute when you’re broody, Sammy. Listen. Why don’t we stop here for the night? Don’t know about you, but I could use a break. Get a little rest. You know. Recharge the batteries."</p><p>Sam shakes his head, because he's stubborn and has to disagree for the sake of disagreeing. "We can make it to the next  Distro Center. The one south of Lake Knot."</p><p>
  <em> Stubborn bastard. </em>
</p><p>They've been walking for hours, tirelessly. Green fields turned into rocky ground that turned into steep slopes. Sam's clothes had time to dry and then get wet again when they got caught in Timefall. Sam didn't even seem to mind. In fact he didn't even so much as complain once.</p><p>
  <em> That damn masochist is probably enjoying this. </em>
</p><p>Higgs' shoulders and feet on the other hand are desperately begging for a break. Sam might be used to this kind of torture, but Higgs certainly isn't.</p><p> </p><p>Higgs glances down at the valley before them.</p><p>The canyons.</p><p> </p><p>He remembers his fascination for that strange landscape when he saw them the first time. Weird and beautiful.</p><p>His fascination quickly turned into respect and, after spending some time doing deliveries in the area, into hatred for these harsh lands. The boys and him even had a nickname for them. He can't remember exactly what it was (a lot of places and faces from that time have turned blurry) but it was something about devil... 'the devil's gutter'? Something like that. Childish, but true, in a sense, considering all the dirt that gets washed up there. Including MULEs.</p><p>These canyons are the last hard part of their journey. The rest of the way to Lake Knot should be as easy as pie, and they could probably reach the city by tomorrow evening.</p><p>It's odd. Somehow he dreads that moment of arrival. It's not fear of being caught by Bridges stuff. Nope, those idiots wouldn't recognize him if he showed up naked, waving a golden handkerchief. It's something else. There's really no way to explain it; he only knows that the feeling is there. As usual he shoves it aside. No time to worry about that.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>"Sam, for once let's make a smart decision. It's getting dark and I sure as hell ain't walking through that MULE infested shithole down there at night. Now, if you wanna go out there and get yourself killed-"</p><p>"Alright, okay. Don't turn it into a speech." Sam cuts him off, surprisingly. Higgs was getting ready for an argument.</p><p>"What's your plan?"</p><p>"Well, I'd say first we gotta find a place where we can stay nice and dry."</p><p> </p><p>Turns out the place to stay nice and dry is right there, just a few yards down the hill. They find a ledge on a canyon wall, just big enough for both of them to fit under and shield them against wind and rain. Not exactly luxurious, but Higgs has slept in worse places. When he points it out, Sam mumbles something unintelligible, that vaguely sounds like agreement. It's enough of an answer for Higgs.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Finally, not without letting out a groan, he lets himself sink down to the dirty ground and rests his back against the canyon wall. It hurts terribly at first, he might have pulled a muscle from getting Sam out of the river, but being able to finally stretch his sore muscles is an incredible relieve.</p><p> </p><p>Higgs lets his gaze wander up to the dark blue sky that’s slowly fading into black. It’s been a while since he slept under the open sky, but he doesn't mind. Not at all. The wind quietly rustling through the grass, thunder in the distance, the smell of petrichor in the air... all that reminds him of old times, back when life was more simple.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you so happy about?”<br/>
Higgs turns his head to find Sam staring at him. He didn't even notice Sam sitting down next to him, yet alone that that he was watching this whole time.</p><p>“Nothin’.”</p><p>
  <em>  Wipe that stupid smile off your face, Higgs. </em>
</p><p>Sam doesn't question him any further and that's only fine with Higgs. Despite making fun of it quite often, Higgs enjoys Sam's quiet type.</p><p>He radiates a kind of calm <em> energy </em> Higgs has never seen in anyone before. It's intriguing. Mainly because Amelie was so different. Although she was, without question, the most  powerful being Higgs had ever seen, she was also often imperious, tense, uncertain and, at times, just confused. She never knew what she wanted, where she wanted to go. Sam in the other hand is so... different. </p><p>His silence and passiveness used to upset Higgs, back when he was looking for confrontation, a purpose, a <em> fight </em>. When he was looking for a reason to hate Sam. Now he finds Sam's presence oddly pleasant.  </p><p> </p><p>“I didn’t see much of the sky until… I left home. Dad didn’t want me outside, said it was too dangerous.”</p><p>Higgs pauses.  Although Sam’s gaze is locked to the ground, Higgs can tell he is listening carefully.</p><p><em> Do you really want to tell him your story, Higgs? </em><br/>
<em> Maybe. </em> <em><br/>
</em>Maybe not all of it.</p><p> </p><p>“So, I spend all my life locked in our shelter, until one day I… finally made it out. Almost cost me my life, but in the end, I made it. Left  home. Left my past behind me. I’ll never forget what it was like seeing the night sky for the first time. Finally being… free.”</p><p> </p><p>He looks over to Sam who seems lost in his own thoughts. He’s fidgeting with a small rock, rolling it in his hands, between his fingers, as if he tries to calm himself. Higgs is surprised when he speaks up.</p><p> </p><p>“Never saw much of this world either. Bridget tried to keep me away from anybody. ‘till she needed me to fix their mess."</p><p>“And how would you fix a world you know nothing about?”</p><p>Sam huffs. "Easy. You don't."</p><p>"Hmm."</p><p>The first raindrops start to hit the ground outside their improved shelter.  Other than that there's nothing to disturb the silence, but Higgs doesn't find it awkward. Quite the opposite is the case. He finds that sometimes, when he’s alone for a long time, his mind becomes this unbearably noisy place, blaring words, screaming voices and memories he’d rather forget. Having someone around makes it… better.</p><p>
  <em> Having Sam around makes it better. </em>
</p><p>But that’s a scary thought, one he only allows himself to dwell on when he’s drunk (or almost dying of a fever) and he quickly pushes it away.</p><p>"Thanks for saving me. Again." Sam's voice is barely audible, and yet it twists Higgs’ insides.</p><p>"No biggie. It's my thing, saving national heroes. I do it all the time."</p><p>"Yeah, ‘hero’. That's the sticker the UCA likes to slap on me."</p><p>"And how would you label yourself?"</p><p>Sam remains quiet for so long Higgs would think he had fallen asleep if he his eyes weren't open. When he speaks his voice sounds restrained. </p><p>"The only reason I ever agreed to this was Amelie. I didn't care for the UCA or America and I still don't. ‘is all bullshit if you ask me. Lies build on more lies." He sounds bitter. </p><p>“I never wanted to reconnect the world’, I just wanted to save Amelie. Find her. Bring her home. But it was all for nothin’.  I wish there was something… anything I could have done!”</p><p>With an angry motion he flicks the pebble he’s been holding out into the rain.</p><p>
  <em> Goddamn, say something. </em>
</p><p>"There was nothing you… You did what  you could.  But you can't change the inevitable. Nobody can."</p><p>Sam looks up, stares him straight into the eyes. "You and her. Amelie. What did she -"</p><p>"Don't. Don't ask about things you don't wanna know, Sam."</p><p>And then, because he knows it's true, it's the only thing about Amelie that he knows is absolutely, undoubtedly true (<em> and sometimes the truth has to hurt, doesn't it? </em>) he adds: "She loved you. Oh, how she did. More than anything. She would have given up this world to save you. You're a lucky bastard, Sam."</p><p>Sam remains quiet. </p><p>Higgs closes his eyes and wishes things were easy.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Awake</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sam lies awake long after Higgs has fallen asleep. Not only is Higgs a restless sleeper, twitching and turning every time Sam is about to drift away. But the thoughts in Sam’s mind are racing, keeping him from finding the rest he so desperately needs.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sorry everyone, this took super long cause I got very distracted with The Last of Us :D massive thanks to everybody who reads this!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Sam lies awake long after Higgs has fallen asleep. Not only is Higgs a restless sleeper, twitching and turning every time Sam is about to drift away. But the thoughts in Sam’s mind are racing, keeping him from finding the rest he so desperately needs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>She loved you. Oh, how she did. More than anything."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>If Higgs tried to hurt him, well, congrats. Or maybe he genuinely was trying to spare Sam from the ugly truth.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Amelie. Higgs. Amelie...</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Trying to figure out Higgs is a sisyphean task. Each time Sam thinks he’s finally seeing him through, Higgs turns around and does the opposite of what Sam is expecting. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But there is no denying that something is different about Higgs. Sam could feel it, that slight sense of change, ever since he opened his eyes in that cave all these months ago. Something in him had shifted and the hate and rage Higgs used to radiate had disappeared, leaving behind… something different. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Someone</span>
  </em>
  <span> different. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But of course he changed. How could he not, after everything that happened? </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Take away a men's power and what's left? Nothing but a shadow of the past.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then again, maybe he hasn’t changed at all. Who knows? Maybe this is all just a game of cat and mouse for him, something to kill time with. It wouldn’t be the first time that he tricked Sam just for the sake of his own amusement. Higgs used to destroy whole cities with the blink of an eye and a smile on his face. What's one more life to him?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Higgs lets out a heavy sigh and shifts around.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Does it ever haunt him what he did? If he still had his powers, would he try to rebuild the world? Or burn it?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe Higgs himself doesn’t even know the answer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Hn, don't.."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nightmares. Sam still has them, too, from time to time.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Amelie’s pawns.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s a reason why Amelie needed Sam to connect the chiral network and reconnect America. Chose him to rebuild and save humanity.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So how did she choose Higgs? Did she choose him at all? Or did they just collide into each other, two negative forces, combined to bring an end to it all? No. Amelie had a plan, didn't she? She must have had… a reason… any reason why… Sam feels his eyelids getting heavy as he dozes off, falls into the quiet darkness…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>…</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What’s that?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam jerks up and his first instinct is to glance over to Higgs. He’s still asleep, his breathing now slow and steady.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A sound, ever so slight, that one could almost mistake it for the wind howling through the canyons. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Almost</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sam tries to keep his voice down. “Higgs!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm.” It less an answer and more a sleepdrunk humming.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get up!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The shadow next to him moves. Sam can hardly make out his face in the dark, but Higgs' confusion is audible in his voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shh.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Strange voices in the dark. Still quiet, but getting closer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“MULEs.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Come on."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They gather their belongings as quickly and quietly as possible, all while listening, waiting for the sound of a snapping twig, for heavy boots on the ground, for distorted voices that are barely human anymore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They move slow, staying close to each other, paying close attention to the sounds around them as they make their way through the night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ever so often they hear a growl followed by another voice huffing something back. Sometimes the voices seem far away, sometimes closer. Or maybe that's just Sam's paranoia. Sometimes they see the faint glowing of a light  and everytime they duck down behind a boulder Sam’s heart feels like it’s about to burst.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There's not much of a choice left for them now. They can't stay. Getting caught my MULEs means losing another food radion. It would be a catastrophe for Lake Knot. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>No, there's only one way left for them</span>
</p><p>
  <span>now. If they can make through the canyons up to the Distro Center South they'd be safe. MULEs know better than to fuck with Bridges Security guards. </span>
</p><p>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Sam feels a harsh tug on his arm, followed by a breathy hiss. “Get down!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He lets Higgs pull him down just in time to avoid the light beam. Long, contorted shadows creep over the ground as the MULES come to a halt just a few feet away from them. Sam doesn’t dare to breath. He turns his head sideways and catches Higgs’ gaze. He lifts his finger up to his lips like a silent warning. It sends a shiver down Sam’s spine.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He suddenly becomes very aware of Higgs' body pressing against him, pinning him to the wall of the canyon. A familiar and scary feeling creeps up into his body, the feeling of being trapped, not able to escape, of suffocating.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sweat runs down his lips. He can taste it as he lets his tongue run over his lips. Sam knows that feeling all too well. It's an old friend he almost forgot about. Even though he has  overcome his Aphenphosmphobia, he sometimes feels some of the old symptoms.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He forces himself to stay steady, forces his breath to slow down, pushes past the high pitched ringing in his ears. Concentrade. Listen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>One of the MULEs suddenly raises his voice, another one replies. A third voice joins them, an angry string of words that cuts through the night.  Sam wishes he could understand them. They sound like they’re arguing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sam.” Higgs voice is low and close to his ear. “We can take them!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam shakes his head. There’s three of them; too dangerous. Higgs furrows his brows.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We don’t have a choice!” he hisses.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam shakes his head more violently in a silent NO! </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The first MULE is now talking again, faster, louder than before.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Think Sammy, think.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>These canyons are a goddamn labyrinth and  these guys seem to be busy with themselves right now. If they’re silent enough...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come on. This way.” Sam mumbles and, seeing as Higgs doesn’t move immediately, he grabs him by the arm and forcefully pulls him along.</span>
</p><p>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Quiet. Heads down. Don't make a sound. The grass grows high in the valley and it keeps hitting Sam in the face as they carefully move away from their persecutors. His boots keep sinking in the mud, but at least the MULEs, still yelling at each other in their strange language, haven’t noticed them.</span>
  <span><br/>
<br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So this is how you wanna handle this, Sam? Crawling through the dirt like an animal?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“You got a better plan? Fighting them didn’t work out for ya last time, did it?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We could’ve taken them on if you weren’t such a cowardly little -”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Taken them on? And then what, huh?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We could have dealt with them!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam huffs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, this is your solution to everything. Just kill em when they get in your way-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“ I never said killing-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“- because who cares, we’re all gonna be dead one day anyway, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sam.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. Fragile was right. You deserved-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sam!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“WHAT?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you hear anything?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? No I don’t-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The voices. They’re gone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sam feels the ground vibrate, a trembling in the earth moving towards them. He sees the yellow lightning flash over them, illuminating Higgs face in a creepy, orange glow, as the scanner hits them and pings their cargo. Somewhere not far from them a deafening alarm siren goes off. Higgs opens his mouth and although Sam can’t hear him, he can see his mouth form a single word:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Run.”</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Left.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sam and Higgs get seperated.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Left. Right. Left again. Noise. Voices. Lights. A sharp pain in his lungs. He overlooks a rock and tumbles, almost falls down, catches himself last second.</p>
<p>
  <em> Keep going. </em>
</p>
<p>He can hear Higgs' sharp breaths next to him, his feet hitting the muddy ground in a constant, forming a choir with his own.</p>
<p>Sharp left. Further into the darkness. </p>
<p>
  <em> Keep going. </em>
</p>
<p>The further he follows the trail the quieter the world becomes.</p>
<p>Sam turns around. He's alone.</p>
<p>'Higgs?' </p>
<p>His own voice whispers back at him, a frightened echo in the night.</p>
<p>Higgs is gone.</p>
<p>Probably lost him at the last fork.</p>
<p><em> Shit </em>.</p>
<p>Sam listens but the night stays quiet. Where the MULEs have gone, he can't tell.</p>
<p>For a moment Sam just stands there, frozen in place. He contemplates going on alone, leaving Higgs behind. Wouldn’t he do the same? It would be easy.<br/>But his way was never supposed to be easy, was it?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The world around him has gone so silent. All that’s left is the noise of a nearby creek, guiding him through this endless maze. </p>
<p>Left. Right. Left again.</p>
<p>A dead end. He turns around.<br/>Every now and then he whispers into the darkness, but he quickly stops, too scared somebody else might hear him. <br/><em> I could go on alone. </em></p>
<p>He could try to find a way out of this labyrinth. Leave it behind. Save himself.</p>
<p>
  <em> Wouldn’t he do the same? </em>
</p>
<p>His conscience forbids him to.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As the hours pass and the first light of the day breaks through, Sam starts losing hope. Higgs has either made it out and has moved on without him or -</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Water. He needs water.</p>
<p>He follows a  small trickle in hopes to get to a spring where he can refill his canteen.</p>
<p>Sam turns around a corner. And suddenly there he is, sitting on the ground, his legs pulled up to his body.</p>
<p><br/>“Higgs.” <br/>Upon hearing his name he looks up and it’s undoubtedly him, but something isn’t right. The way Higgs looks right through him freezes Sam’s insides. And then he sees it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There's so much blood.</p>
<p>So. Much. Blood.</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>Sam drops his cargo into the mud. He doesn’t care. “What the hell happened to you?” </p>
<p>He kneels down front of Higgs and the smell of blood becomes overpowering.</p>
<p>Higgs suddenly looks at him, puzzled, like he just noticed Sam’s presence. “Sam?”</p>
<p>
  <em> What the hell is wrong with him? </em>
</p>
<p>“Are you okay?”</p>
<p>No answer. Higgs just keeps staring at him.</p>
<p>His face is covered in red splotches, it’s everywhere, on his forehead, his cheeks, even in his hair.</p>
<p>Sam takes his sleeve and he’s doing his best to wipe it away, wipe all of that blood off of Higgs’ face, but the fabric of his suit only smears it around and god, there’s is just so much blood and - </p>
<p><em> “ </em>Say something goddammit!”</p>
<p>Somewhere has to be the source of all the blood, but he can’t see where it’s coming from, can’t really see anything and it’s all covered in red and he can’t see where-</p>
<p>A strong grip on his wrist,  pulling away his hand.</p>
<p>“Stop it. I’m fine.”</p>
<p>But it’s not relief that Sam feels when he looks up at Higgs. And suddenly he knows, before he even hears the words.</p>
<p>“It’s not mine.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Blood</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“It was an accident.”<br/><br/></p>
<p>The smell of death hits him hard and unmerciful, or maybe it’s just the rotten smell of foul water mixed with the metallic stench of blood. </p>
<p>There he lies, face down in a small pool of water, more puddle than pond. The blood dilutes in the water.</p>
<p>He dares not to turn the dead body around.</p>
<p>But he knows he has to.</p>
<p>“He attacked me. I was defending myself.”</p>
<p>Sam can’t see Higgs face, but he hears the indifference in his voice. <em> Or is it the shock? Does it matter? </em></p>
<p> He lowers himself to the ground.</p>
<p>Carefully, as if he was trying not to wake him, he rolls the body to its side. He’s still warm. Sam feels a wave of nausea overcome him and he swallows hard. He tries not to breathe but the smell has already found its way into his nostrils, that distinctive stench of a dead body.</p>
<p>His face.</p>
<p>Sam doesn’t dare to let his eyes rest longer on the face of the dead MULE, but his eyes.</p>
<p>
  <em> God his eyes. </em>
</p>
<p>Even in death they speak of madness, greed, insanity.  Sam can’t bare to look at them.</p>
<p>But it doesn’t matter. It’s not his face that Sam needs to see.</p>
<p>“Come on, Sam. Lake Knot is waiting for their delivery. Let’s not disappoint them.”</p>
<p>Six. No, that’s not right. Seven.</p>
<p>“It happened, alright? He kicked the bucket. Happens every damn day. No use crying over spilled milk.”</p>
<p>“You stabbed him seven times.” He mumbles, but he knows Higgs can hear him. Down here there are no sounds. The canyons swallow it all. There’s no rolling thunder, no wind howling. All there is is his voice, Higgs shallow breathing and the sound of his blood rushing in his ears, as he feels rage building inside him.</p>
<p>“I was. Defending. Myself.”</p>
<p>“You stabbed him seven times!” Higgs shys away from him and for a moment he seems baffled. </p>
<p>“You didn’t defend shit! You killed him! You stabbed him seven times, like he’s, like he was some animal!” Sam’s voice comes back echoing from the walls and if any of the MULEs were still close by they’d be alarmed now.  It doesn’t even cross Sam’s mind.</p>
<p>“What the hell is wrong with you?!”</p>
<p>Higgs gathers his himself and takes a step towards Sam.</p>
<p>“It was him or me! Why don’t you get off your high horse Sam, and admit you would’ve done the same! But hey, let’s stay here a little while longer, so you can show me how you would’ve handled this! I’m sure his little friends would love to assist!”</p>
<p>Suddenly he lets his hands sink down. </p>
<p>“I didn’t want this to happen, I’m-”</p>
<p>“Shut up. Shut up. I don’t wanna hear it. Just help me grab him.”</p>
<p>“Sam.”</p>
<p>They look at each other, Sam threateningly, Higgs pleading. </p>
<p>His voice is low and careful as he takes a step towards Sam.<br/>“Sam, we can’t take him-” </p>
<p>“You killed-”</p>
<p>“... all the way to Lake Knot if we want to-”</p>
<p>“take the responsibility-”</p>
<p>“can’t make it-”</p>
<p>“WE’RE NOT LEAVING HIM HERE!”</p>
<p>Higgs shuts his mouth and Sam swears he can hear his teeth click against each other. In the distance another truck engine roars to life. It screams a couple of times, then the whining is replaced by a steady chugging sound. </p>
<p>Higgs has heard it, too. He tries again, softer this time. Reasonable. “We have to get out of here.”</p>
<p>“We’re not leaving him. Not so close to the Distro center. The void-out would tear the whole building down.” Truth is, it’s not just about the void-out. Sam believes people should have a proper burial, if  possible. But that’s something Higgs wouldn’t understand.</p>
<p>“You can leave if you wanna. Get to Lake Knot without me. Make that delivery. Get your likes. You don’t need me for that.”</p>
<p>“And how are you going to get your cargo to Lake Knot?”</p>
<p>Sam huffs. “Well I guess that’s another one for the MULEs, huh?”</p>
<p>Higgs has been biting down on his lip so hard it started bleeding. He wipes it away in a thoughtless manner, then he sights. “Ah, fuck you, Sam.” He pinches the bridge of his nose. “And <em> where </em>do you wanna take him? Huh? The river is-”</p>
<p>“I’m not dropping him into a river.”</p>
<p>Higgs stares at him for several seconds before he starts laughing.</p>
<p>“You wanna take him to the incinerator? That right?” He snorts. “Okay. Well, Sam, that’ll easily add another day to our journey-”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to-”</p>
<p>“But I guess you’re aware of that. So what are we waiting for? Let wrap this up, we’re only wasting time.”</p>
<p>It’s not the answer Sam has expected. He studies Higgs face, but he shows no signs of hesitation.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He patiently watches as Sam pulls out a body bag. He hasn’t used one in years, hasn’t had to, he carries it mostly out of habit. He carefully places the body inside, ignoring the sweat that runs down his back. The body is heave. Higgs doesn’t come to help him. Sam catches a glimpse of him in the corner of his eye. He’s facing away from him from, fiddling with the cargo containers for Lake Knot. Checking them, even though he knows they’re still in good condition.<br/>For a moment the urge to call him out almost overthrows him, but Sam bites his tongue last second. It doesn’t matter. It’s not going to change anything.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> Sam shoulders the dead MULE, making sure his weight is equally distributed. <br/>They don’t talk as they make their way through the valley, heading further north. And for the first time since he left, Sam desperately longs for his home - and Lou.</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Monster</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks to everybody who takes the time to read this and left such lovely comments on the last one.<br/>I know I'm the slowest writer in the universe and I always fear people will lose interest or won't like my wonky writing &gt;.&lt;</p><p> </p><p>Just a heads up, the next few chapters might turn more um... *cough* romantic *cough* than I originally planned, but I just really like the idea of these two together ._.<br/>I changed the tag accordingly.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>What makes a man turn into a monster? How does somebody become so cold-blooded and indifferent that they end up killing another human being without batting an eyelid? Without showing the slightest sign of remorse?<br/>Sam has always believed that no person in this world is ever simply born evil. That there’s hope for everybody. That every person deserves a second chance. That people can change. He remembers that day on the hill. Higgs’s drunken anger which so quickly turned on him, overcame him until he was left broken, crying on Sam’s shoulder. Sam never had a doubt that it was mainly a mix of too much liquor and the never ending pain of a long lost friend that left Higgs in this state of vulnerability. But even with that in mind the incident had given him a slight glimpse of hope for Higgs. For once he had seen him as an actual human being. As somebody who was still capable of <em> feeling </em> . Somebody who still cared about <em> something </em> .<br/>Another image comes to his mind. A dead person lying face down in the water. Blood. <br/>Maybe he’s just been too naive. But there has to be something left. Something, anything. A last bit of humanity.<br/>If only he could- </p><p> </p><p>“Ouch!” Sam is abruptly stopped as his upper body collides with the cargo on Higgs back. The dead MULE on his back swings dangerously sideways and Sam almost loses his balance.</p><p>“Watch your step!” Higgs hisses. “There’s a gap.”<br/><br/><br/></p><p>The day stretches out endlessly. Sam checks his watch only to find that it’s hardly midday. He’s never been one who needed constant entertainment on his journey. Some porters prefer to travel in groups, not only for safety reasons, but also because they enjoy company. The way can get lonely and quiet. Sam has never been bothered by either. He likes the peaceful quiet. What he can’t stand is this sort of tense silence. An uneasy feeling creeps up on him, a premonition that the fragile truce between him and Higgs could break soon.</p><p>At around 2 p.m. they pass the Distro Center South of Lake Knot. Sam takes a final look back at the canyons. He is glad to finally leave the valley (and its residents) behind him. The roads that lie ahead are generally kept in a good condition. Big trucks deliver from South Knot to Lake Knot and back again, so the government makes sure that all the highways stay intact.<br/><br/></p><p>Another two endless hours eventually pass.<br/>The wind has picked up again and Sam has already noticed the first clouds on the horizon. Great. Just what he needed on top of this wonderful day.<br/>An angry gust blows through the gorges. It sounds like the howling of a wild animal.<br/><br/>“Rain’s coming.”</p><p>“Hmmh.”<br/><br/>“Listen Sam-” Higgs starts and Sam steels himself for the flood of bullshit that comes next.</p><p>“It <em> was </em>an accident. Even if you don’t want to believe me.</p><p>“You serious?” He can't believe that guy.</p><p>“I did what I had to do-”</p><p>"Yeah, sure."Sam huffs.</p><p>“Oh, grow up Sam, it is what it is. Eat or be eaten.”</p><p>
  <em>Easy now. </em>
</p><p>Sam closes his eyes but his nails already dig into the flesh of his palm as rage rises up in his body. It mixes with the misery of the last two days, with the ache of missing home, with a growing frustration towards Higgs. A voice in his head, sharp and cold, whispers to him. Tells him to let that anger wash over him. Good. Maybe the truce isn’t the only thing that will break today. </p><p>He opens his mouth to let out a parade of insults that will ultimately lead to a fight, have to turn to a fight, but a deafening crack of thunder disrupts him.<br/>That small moment gives him time.<br/>Time to take in Higgs’ expression. Time to really look at him. Past the show he puts on. The way his brows furrow. The way he presses his lips together. The look in his eyes. </p><p>
  <em> Is he scared? </em>
</p><p>Gives him time for a second thought. </p><p>
  <em> He’s scared I might actually leave him behind this time.</em>
</p><p>Gives him time to recognize why he’s so frustrated with Higgs.</p><p>The thing is... he <em> wants </em> to believe him. Wants so badly to believe there’s something good left in him. Even if it’s just a tiny bit.<br/>And it gives him time to realize how dangerous this could be.</p><p>Another clap of thunder rolls from the dark clouds that have gathered above them. Sam shakes his head. “I don’t have time for this.”<br/> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Ice</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Despite years practically living on the road, Sam still despises the rain. Even with protective gear he gets cold and uncomfortable. But judging from his sulky expression, Higgs seems to feel just as miserable as Sam, and that does in fact cheer him up a little. <br/>
<br/>
And just because it feels so good to rub it in, Sam breaks the silence: “Sucks when you can’t control it, huh?”</p><p>Higgs looks up. "What?"<br/>
<br/>
"The weather."<br/>
<br/>
Higgs sends an annoyed look to Sam, then stops to let the container boxes down from his back.</p><p>“I’m not worried for myself; but cargo’s taking damage...” The boxes do start to look pretty worn out. They have been travelling through timefall for too long. "I suppose you don't have any repair spray on ya? Yeah, didn't think so."</p><p>“Hm. Maybe you should head straight to Lake Knot. If you follow the road north you can be there by tonight.”</p><p>Higgs sights, then puts the cargo back on. He makes sure the straps are secured before he gets up.</p><p>“And let you take care of our friend here-" his gaze wanders to the dead MULE on Sam's back."- all alone?”</p><p>“Why not? I told ya, you don’t need to - “</p><p>“Oh Sammy.” Higgs mourns dramatically. “I thought we had an agreement to… <em> look after </em>each other?" He lightly taps Sam's shoulder, knowing very well that Sam can't stand it. "I can’t let you do this on your own. What if something was to happen to you… I would never forgive myself.”</p><p>“I don’t need your help, Higgs.”</p><p>“Oh, but I think you do. I think you <em> really </em> do.”</p><p> </p><p>Before he even has time to wonder Sam walks into a wall of ice. He immediately knows what it means, knows the feeling.</p><p>He turns around and finds Higgs smirking.</p><p><em> Bastard </em>. He could probably sense those BTs from miles away. A shudder runs down his spine.</p><p>“See?” Higgs whispers next to him. “You need me.” The smirk has turned into a mean grin.</p><p>Sam grabs him by the shoulders, hard. “What are you planning, huh? Gonna make me run into one of them?”</p><p>“Oh, I would never. Come on, Sam, I need a little trust from you.” He raises his eyebrows. “Let’s go. Oh, and Sam?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Stay close to me.”</p><p> </p><p>It’s too hard without Lou. Sam tries to make out the BTs' positions, but all he can say for sure is that there are a lot and that it gets worse with every minute. And so does the rain. The closer they get to the incinerator the more of them Sam can feel. </p><p>Higgs navigates through them with ease. He finds his path through in a way Sam never could. It makes him understand why other Porters were so eager to work with Higgs. Back then, before his name becake a synonym for chaos and destruction. From time to time he gently pulls Sam into another direction or taps his shoulder and points at a spot where Sam assumes he senses another one of the foggy creatures. Sam doesn’t like to admit, but he is way faster travelling with Higgs. He can already make out the silhouette of the incinerator when Higgs suddenly stops.</p><p>“What? You wanna set up a camp here?”</p><p>“Shhh.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>But Higgs’ gaze is fixed at the empty field straight ahead, his eyes wide open.<br/>
“Are you really that useless without a BB?” He hisses. “I’ve never seen so many before!”<br/>
It’s the first time Sam has heard distress in Higgs voice. He doesn’t like it. And he hates that he can’t see what Higgs sees. He concentrates.<br/>
Is something there? A shadow. Maybe. Almost see-through. Another one. One more. Like a wall of fog they’re just floating in the air, like they’re waiting for something. And for a second Sam can see one thats different than the others, bigger than the rest of them. One that isn’t just made of fog, but shimmers with a bloody red haze. Sam has seen them before, but never here, never so close to civilisation. And never <strong>that</strong> big. It starts to move towards them.</p><p>Sam covers his mouth. And sends a silent prayer to the Gods.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Blinded</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Slowly. Very slowly and quietly they turn around. Try to sneak away. </span>
  <span>Sam's breath creates little clouds in the air. </span>
  <span>Meanwhile Higgs turns his head left to right. He stops and Sam immediately asks himself if they're circled in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He feels a cold presence to his right. Like a whisper straight from the grave</span>
  <em>
    <span>. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He shudders and quickly holds his breath, but he  knows:  it's already too late.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>-THACK-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Handprints in the mud. Bigger than Sam has ever seen them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Sam." Another whisper in his ear. Hot this time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>-THACK-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"When I tell you to run-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>-THACK-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You start running. But stay close. You hear me?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>-THACK-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Sam?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"RUN!"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A terrifying sound rips through the silence, a deep, unholy growling straight from hell, unlike anything Sam has ever heard. His blood freezes and for a moment he just stands there, frozen in fear. Despite what Higgs told him just seconds before he just can't move. Long, sleek fingers reach for him and that kicks him back to reality.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam starts running.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn't come far.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His legs, already tired, threaten to give in. His feet slip and slide through the mud and he can barely control them. The rain blurs his vision. It's really not his fault. There was no chance he could have seen the sharp rock that sticks out right in front of him. </span>
  <span>His foot hits the rock in the worst possible angle. He feels a sharp pain in his ankle but he takes a second to realize what just happened.  </span>
  <span>It would be hard to keep his balance even under normal circumstances. But Sam also carries a  corpse on his back. </span>
  <span>With the body, that keeps swinging left to right like it doesn't care if Sam gets caught, it's impossible. </span>
  <span>Sam tumbles.<br/></span>
  <span>He feels one of the straps rip and now his balance is completely lost. He falls, face first into the dirt.  </span>
  <span>He looks up, disoriented, and for a moment it feels like the world has gone quiet. Even the rain has stopped.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Higgs is nowhere to be seen. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>-THACK-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That cold creature, that enormous thing, is still there. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>-THACK-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Mud splashes. Sam holds his breath. There's no running now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>-THACK-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It's close.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>-THACK-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam closes his eyes. He hasn't been to the seam in a long time. He hardly remembers what it feels like to die.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>-THACK-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lighting strikes. The electricity in the air makes the hair on Sam's arm stand up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Something's moving. Sam opens his eyes, ready to face death. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>He looks up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It's Higgs. </span>
  <span>Standing next to him, his arms extended like a sick parody of Jesus Christ, he’s standing between Sam and the BT. </span>
  <span>But he can't seriously think that he stands a chance, he's just -</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The thing moves closer. Sam knows what’s supposed to happen next: void-out. </span>
  <span>But instead of grabbing its prey the BT just - stops.  </span>
  <span>It stays there, inches before Higgs, floating, it's arms extended, like it's trying to reach for him. Grab him. Devour him. <br/></span>
  <span>It's huge. Angry. Sam swears he can see something red glistening where the things' eyes should be. </span>
  <span>But despite its anger it's not getting any closer. It's like Higgs has built an invisible wall, or said a magical spell or secretly wears a cross close to his chest. The creature doesn't dare move closer. </span>
  <span>And then, slowly, it turns around. Moves away. </span>
  <span>To find another victim. An easier one. </span>
  <span>The MULE's corpse.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Come on." Higgs is suddenly beside him and Sam forces himself to take his eyes off the Beached Thing that suddenly seems to have lost all interest in them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"How did you-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Doesn't matter. Listen. I need you to close your eyes."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The BT is moving forward. Slow but steady it makes its way towards the MULE.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"We don't have time for 21 questions, Sammy-boy.  In a few minutes this whole place will go BOOM and we’ll both get a free ticket to fucking Seam-City. If you’d be so inclined to just </span>
  <em>
    <span>close your eyes.</span>
  </em>
  <span>"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What? Why-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span> "Jesus, Sam." He's pleading now. "I can get us out of here, okay? For once can you just shut up and have a little trust in me? Just this one time."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam hesitates.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come on, don’t make me beg...”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam shuts his eyes. And waits.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>To his far right he hears the uncanny sound of something big pacing through the mud.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Clear.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Just a heads up, it gets a little more violent/dirty in the following chapters. I'll edit the tags accordingly.</p><p>Thanks for reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Higgs puts his hands on his shoulders.</p><p>"Keep your eyes closed. Try not to think. Shouldn’t be too hard for you?”<br/>“What?”<br/>“Just...Clear your mind."</p><p>Sam wants to ask how one clears his mind but he doesn't dare. Instead he tries to ignore the growling and roaring that seems to surround him now. Higgs was right; they’re everywhere. And they’re hungry. And if they can't have Sam they will have to make do with the corpse that Sam so kindly served to them.<br/>He pushes the thought aside.<br/><em>Clear mind.<br/></em>But his mind is never clear.</p><p>“Don’t think about <em> it </em> , Sam. Clear your thoughts.”</p><p><br/><em> Clear your thoughts. </em>..<br/><em>But how, goddammit? <br/></em>It’s easy to say, harder to do when one is literally seconds away from being blown up in a giant void-out.<br/>He cheats, allows himself to take a quick look, just a glimpse. <br/>Higgs' eyes are closed and he's got a concentrated look on his face.<br/><em> What in the world is he trying to do? </em></p><p><em><br/></em>“Come on” he mouths, almost silently.</p><p>Sam shuts his eyes again.<br/>Alright, <em> Sam. Clear mind. Clear thoughts.<br/></em><em>Clear mind. Clear thoughts.<br/></em><em>Clear mind.</em></p><p>The rain has set back in. He didn’t even notice. Now the raindrops hit the back of his hood, <em> tap-tap-tap </em>, a steady pitter-patter in his ears.<br/>Higgs still has his hands on Sam's shoulders, a light pressure. Surprisingly warm palms.  Even through the thick fabric of his suit he can still feel the warmth. It doesn't even feel bad.<br/>Thunder, now further away. The storm is already moving past them.<br/><em>Clear thoughts.<br/></em>Higgs' breathing is slow and steady and Sam wonders how he remains so calm.</p><p>In.<br/>And out.<br/>In.<br/>Out.<br/>In…<br/>Out...<br/>“That’s it.”<br/>Lightning strikes again.<br/>Only that it's not lightning.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>At first it feels like falling. Then the world turns sideways.<br/>Sam twitches and instinctively opens his eyes, but the world as it was a minute ago is… gone.<br/>He smells sulfur, then salt, then sees<br/><br/><em> (the beach?)<br/></em><br/>Sand?<br/>Water?<br/>His stomach turns and he feels an unsettling (but strangely familiar) pressure on his whole body. The picture is gone in a blink and the world flips once more. It’s over before he even realises what happened.</p><p>Sam hits the ground hard, and the pain knocks the wind out of his lungs.<br/><em>What the fuck...<br/></em>Higgs groans next to him.<br/>"Ah shit. Did I do it?"</p><p> </p><p>Sam opens his eyes. The sky is gone. Replaced by steel beams and concrete.  He sits up, let's his palm glide over the cool marble floor in disbelief. No rain. No mud.<br/>From outside the twilight of the passing storm shines through the glass front. It casts a diffused, surreal yellow light onto the tiles. But Sam knows this place. He's been here before.</p><p>"The incinerator…?"</p><p>All of a sudden he's startled bye a deep, roaring blast, the sound of an explosion, followed by a shockwave that causes the windows to vibrate. Sam waits for the blinding flash of light that promptly follows. <em>Boom</em>. Void-out. And just like that they've caused a new crater on the earth's surface. Sam wonders how many more this world can take.</p><p>Higgs is standing next to him, still watching the horizon through the windows.<br/>"Well." He turns around to face Sam. "Guess that means you owe me now." He looks tired, but satisfied at the same time. "Twice, actually. But I'll admit, that was close out there. Hell, you had me worried for a second, Bridg-"</p><p>It only takes a skilfully placed elbow to Higgs’ stomach to shut him up. He lets out a suprised cry of pain when Sam slams his back against the wall, but Sam hardly cares. His hands wrap around Higgs' throat. He squeezes.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Red</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW for violence!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>"You… Goddamn...lying...piece of shit! I knew I couldn't… trust you!"</p>
<p>Higgs produces a gurgling sound. He makes a half-assed attempt to push Sam off, but he can't bring up nearly enough power to shove him aside.</p>
<p>"I knew it! Should have never… agreed… to this!"</p>
<p>Higgs grabs Sams' wrists, his nails digging into his skin, but instead of tugging at him, he pulls Sam closer. </p>
<p>"You… wanna kill me?..." He tries to laugh but it sounds like a dry cough. "Gotta go… a little harder, Sammy-Boy." </p>
<p>Sam suddenly realizes what he's about to do. What he almost just did. <em> Jesus </em>. He quickly lets go.</p>
<p>Higgs sinks down to the floor. His coughing and wheezing turns into laughter. To Sam it sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard.</p>
<p>“You’re sick in your mind.” Sam mumbles.</p>
<p>"I saved… your ass.." Another coughing fit shakes him. "Is that… how you thank me?" He looks up to Sam, his eyes bloodshot and red, but with an amused grin on his face. The bruises on his neck already start to turn purple.</p>
<p>"Stop it." Sam tries to gain back control over his trembling voice. “What the hell did you do to me?”<br/>
“Oh, what’s that Sam?" Higgs caws. "Fragile never took ya on a trip? Never done a little jump through space and time before?”</p>
<p>That familiar feeling of falling. Of course. Sam knew he'd felt it before. But it's been so long he didn't immediately recognize it.</p>
<p>“Oh, I bet you're burning to find out how I did it. And if I don’t tell ya? You gonna choke it out of me? Ah, fuck.”<br/>
Higgs gets up from the ground, carefully, his back pressed against the wall as support. He doesn't look good. Five years ago Higgs would perform those 'jumps' all the time. It had been so easy for him, showing up in one spot, popping up in another. At one point he did it just to piss off Sam, just to be a pain in the ass. Just to show that he could. Now it seems this one jump alone already took its toll on him.</p>
<p>“You disappoint me, Sam. Thought you'd figure it out much sooner." He touches his neck, then winces and quickly let's his hand sink down again. "Did you never wonder how I got you out of that BT nest?”<br/>
“What do you-”</p>
<p>“The day I dragged your unconscious body into a cave with me, instead of letting it cause a void-out, like I should have!” He says impatiently. “You were surrounded. Did you think I just strolled by and picked your ass up?”</p>
<p>And now Sam remembers. Not only that incident. No, there had been other moments. At the Timefall Farm. He had wondered how Higgs had caught up to him so quickly, but then never spent another thought on it afterwards. Why would he? It didn't seem to matter at the time. And when Higgs attacked Sam in the mountains? Hadn't he been just a little too fast?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“DOOMs." Sam whispers in disbelief. "Your power. You got it back.”</p>
<p>Higgs shrugs. “Surpriiise.” he purrs.</p>
<p>Sam’s blood runs cold.</p>
<p>"What kind of sick game is this?” he hisses. "I trusted you-”</p>
<p>“Oh, come on, Sam. Mr. <em> Untouchable? </em> You wouldn't dare to trust your own shadow."</p>
<p>"I let you into my home! Was that your fucking plan? Getting closer to me? And then what? How the hell did you even do it?! How’d you gain your power back?!”</p>
<p>Then a new thought hits him. A terrifying one.</p>
<p>He takes a step forward, corners Higgs, traps him between him and the wall.</p>
<p>"Did Amelie do this?”</p>
<p>“Amelie? No, I…” Higgs shakes his head, but that only adds to Sam’s anger.</p>
<p>“Then how did you do it?!”</p>
<p>“Sam…"</p>
<p>“HOW?!” he yells and it prompts Higgs to flinch back. He holds Sam's gaze for a second, then sighs.<br/>
“It’s a part of me, Sam." He seems surprisingly calm.</p>
<p>"It always has been. I got DOOMS, just like you. I can’t just get rid of it. Amelie she… she brought this upon us, but I was wrong. She was never the <em> source </em> of my power. It’s always been there. There's no trick, no secret plan, no joker up my sleeve. It’s just how I am."</p>
<p>“You’re lying. You lost your power. Amelie took it away from you, I was there. You must’ve found a way -"<br/>
“I swear to God I am telling the truth. I’m not a liar, Sam. I never lost my power. It's still a part of me and it always will be."</p>
<p>“Bullshit." Sam growls. "Last five years you could've made my life hell every single day. It's what you do, right?"</p>
<p>“It’s not that simple-”</p>
<p>“But ya didn't! If you had the power why didn’t ya-”</p>
<p>“BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANNA USE IT AGAINST YOU!" Higgs words echos through the cold, empty hall.</p>
<p> "I <em>don’t</em> wanna use it against you, Sam." He rubs his hand over his face. "Why is that so hard for you to understand?” There's something so tired sounding about his voice that makes Sam unwillingly feel pity for him. They hardly escaped the BTs, got away only by the skin of their teeth. Higgs could have very well fled without him, but instead he risked his own life to get them both out. Sam suddenly feels ashamed of himself.</p>
<p>“Understand what?” he asks, trying to make his voice sound less hostile.</p>
<p>Higgs turns away from him, the anger in his voice gone as fast as it came.</p>
<p>“I tried to hate you Sam. Believe me I’ve tried. And it worked... for a while. I dreamed about killing you.. No, that's not right."</p>
<p>He shakes his head. "I think it was a vision? I knew how I would do it. How I would feel." He smiles bitterly. </p>
<p>"I thought if I could kill you, get you out of the way, I could end this... <em> nightmare </em>.  Everything would fall into place.</p>
<p>But that was never <em> her </em> plan, was it?"</p>
<p>He pauses, let's his head rest against the cold wall. </p>
<p>"You have every reason to despise me, Sam. To hate me. But I don't think you do. I don't think you ever really did."</p>
<p>He takes a hard look at Sam, waits for a response or maybe a protest. When Sam remains silent he continues.</p>
<p>"That day we met in the mountains…  I finally got my chance. You didn't even fight back. I got <em> so </em> close. I knew you'd come back eventually, but that didn't even matter. All I had to do was go through with it. Fulfill my purpose. Do what I was supposed to do. And then I looked at you. And I couldn't do it." He laughs at the irony.</p>
<p>"I finally got what I wanted and I just couldn’t do it…"</p>
<p>He crosses his arms, takes a long look out the dirty windows. </p>
<p>"I kept asking myself why. Was it because you saved my life on the beach? Because I felt pity for you? Or because we've been through the same <em> bullshit </em>? Dooms. Amelie. Living our lives with the constant grueling threat of an inescapable fate." He grins. "What do they say? 'A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved.' Well, I don't know if that's true...</p>
<p>I've been alone most of my life, Sam.  People just don't tend to stay with me for very long. They don't understand…" He stops, hesitates.</p>
<p>"I think in the end it all comes down to one simple truth: You made me feel less alone in this pile of shit that is our world. I know; it's pathetic. And maybe you think I'm insane. But I swear I'm-"</p>
<p>He turns around. At first Sam thinks he's just looking for the right word, but something seems off. He doesn't look at Sam, but rather through him. He slowly wipes his hand over his nose.</p>
<p>"You alright?" Sam asks. Then he catches a look at Higgs' hand. There's blood dripping from his fingertips.</p>
<p>"I don't... feel so good…"</p>
<p>"Shit… Higgs..?</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>Higgs?!"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Salvation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>…”Higgs?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Waves crashing against the shore. The familiar stench of rotten sea creatures. He opens his eyes to find himself back on the beach. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Higgs!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And there she is. Standing in the water, a holy apparition, a goddess, not the angel of death, like he once called her, but an actual angel. The sun behind her paints a golden halo around her beautiful face. He follows her into the ocean and she greets him with a smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I've been waiting for you. Come, watch the sunset with me."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Orange and red melting together, creating a burning sky, heavens on fire. The sun illuminates the beach, the water, her face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I wish I could stay here with you forever." she says.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But you’re not really here, are ya?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She just smiles at him silently.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This is just a dream. I'm just dreaming."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Isn't everything just a dream?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Higgs doesn't know how to reply to that, so he just continues to watch the sun go down. It will soon disappear behind the horizon. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Why did you leave me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You know I didn't want to."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"But you did."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He feels his eyes filling with tears, black tar that burns and blurs his vision. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"How’s that fair? I gave up everything for you. You said this was the only way. You said I could end this… this suffering. That I could bring an end to all of </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span>. But I couldn’t do </span>
  <em>
    <span>shit</span>
  </em>
  <span>. So what was it all for?”</span>
  <span></span>
    <br/>
  
  <span>He feels a tear rolling down his face, and it’s coming from both grief, but also anger. Anger, because this is just a dream and he never got to say all of this to Amelie, the </span>
  <em>
    <span>real </span>
  </em>
  <span>Amelie, who promised him so much and left him with so little.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“And then you left me. You left me all alone."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Amelie smiles at him and reaches for his hand. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You're not alone, Higgs. Look."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She points back to the beach where they came from. Higgs turns around, but suddenly the sun is gone. Night has come and the beach lays in total darkness. There's no moon, no stars, no light to break through the night. Higgs shivers. The water suddenly feels too cold. He tries his best to see what Amelie wanted to show him, tries to see what's hiding in the shadows, but he can't. He turns around again, but Amelie is gone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You know he won't show up, right?" a voice next to him whispers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He recognises the voice, the sadistic tone, he's heard it before, but before he can turn around a wave throws him over and suddenly he's surrounded by water. He tries to keep his head up but another wave buries him. He swallows water and now his throat burns and it's in his lungs and he tries to cough it up, all while the strange voice keeps laughing and laughing. He turns his head, wants to yell for help.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"They're not coming."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And now he sees it. The dark figure hovers above him, unbothered by the heavy waves. He tries to reach for it, tries to hold onto it, dear God, why won't anybody help him? As the current threatens to finally pull him under, the shadow moves closer. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nobody’s coming for you, Higgs.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And Higgs finally sees his face, his own face, realizes he's been staring at himself this whole time. He's been silently watching himself drown, and now he wears a grin on his face as he bows over to whisper into Higgs’ ear.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Do you </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>think you deserve salvation?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The black water swallows him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Nightmares</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>He jerks up from his sleep, desperately gasping for air, but the darkness,</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>(God it’s so dark, why is it so dark where am I what happend)</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>is suffocating and the air</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>(thick as tar I can’t breathe i can’t i can’t)</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>won’t reach his lungs and</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>(oh God don’t let me die, don’t bury me here I don't wanna die)</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>his throat is burning, hot, sore and</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>(please not again please don’t please)</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>his muscles won’t obey and now he’s shaking uncontrollably still gasping for air </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>(make it stop just make it stop just make it)</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>and his heart is beating so fast</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>(it’ll tear me apart it’ll burst please i just want this to end just let it end just kill me i don’t)</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Hey, it's okay. It's okay. Just a dream."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A hand brushes over his shoulder and although he instinctively flinches, the sensation somehow manages to pull him out of his shock.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's okay."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The voice sounds familiar. He blinks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Sam?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His eyes slowly start to adjust to the darkness and with that his sense of reality comes back. The room he's in is ugly, but it’s real. No beach. Just four plain walls and a concrete floor. A little table with two chairs, boxes in one corner, that look like they haven’t been touched for ages. And the bed he’s lying on.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Where the hell am I?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>“Feeling better?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah I’m just…” Higgs rubs his eyes until he starts to see stars, but that probably won't help with the headache that he feels coming up. He stops to let his head rest against the wall behind the cheap bed frame. </span>
  <span>"Just tired."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Concrete walls. Concrete floor. Concrete ceiling. This whole room is a concrete prison. A lamp that’s shining blue light onto them. It’s supposed to be sleep-inducing and relaxing. To Higgs it just looks like a cheap night club, it makes him nauseous. He's not claustrophobic, that's not it, but rooms without windows tend to make him nervous. The longer he stares at the walls, the more it reminds him of-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He closes his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Don't go there.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He never knew they placed a private room under the incinerator. ‘UCA had it built a few years ago’, Sam had told him. 'Damn useful. Wouldn't have known where else to put ya.'</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He had passed out. Had used up a little too much of his fuel and then suffered the consequences. Shit happens.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam had no other option but to drag his ass down here and put him into bed so he could get some rest. It was the only thing he felt he could do. <br/></span>
  <span>Several hours later Higgs had woken up, shaking like a puppy that had been sitting in the rain for too long, feeling like his heart might give in any second. He had spent the last fifteen minutes trying to get his pulse back down to a normal rate.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The thin, cheap sheets rustle as Sam climbs onto the bed. He sits down next to him, his legs pulled up to his chest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Here."  He has brought a water bottle. Higgs takes it, but then puts it down immediately. He doesn’t feel thirsty.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Long day, huh?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Hmh."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Did you ever think the two of us would end up in bed together?" He grins and looks over but Sam keeps a straight face. Too bad. He should smile more often. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What the hell happened to you Higgs? And I want the whole story. No bullshit."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Higgs turns away from him. He suddenly feels sick. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What if the whole story is nothing but bullshit?" he whispers into the darkness.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Just tell me."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Higgs let's his gaze fall down to his hands. He's fumbling with the corner of the old blanket that bridges so kindly provided for their employees. It's worn out, its colour faded. There's a hole in one corner and Higgs wonders how many people have touched it over the years, have thoughtlessly pulled at it, plucked at it, slowly turning what might have started as nothing but a loose thread into a hole. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I never knew my real parents. Daddy died before I was born. My mom shortly after. Raising me fell to her brother…" Higgs pauses. He feels a lump in his throat, feels his voice being on the edge of breaking. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Get it together.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"He wasn't a good man, Sam. Not a great father either."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That's a nice way to put it. His Dad was an asshole.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He loved me. In his own way.  Tried to protect me."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Protect you from what?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"The world. Daddy told me that the world was full of monsters and that there was nothing out there for me. He had his strict set of rules and if I didn't follow…" he chuckles softly. "Ahh. One time he beat me so bad he broke my arm. Took six whole weeks to heal."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He glances over to Sam, who's just watching him. He’s not asking him to continue, not pushing him to tell him more. He’s just listening.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"That didn't stop me. I wanted to see what was out there. There simply had to be more than steel walls and frozen food and a father who would beat the shit out of me for talking to the local porters. So I waited.  Patiently waited for my chance. And then one day…" </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Memories</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Just a heads-up everybody! Please read: This chapter is about Higgs' past so if you're familiar with the games you know it gets dark. It mentions childhood abuse and violence, also contains a brief mention of suicide and implied homophobia (Higgs' Dad is an asshole, okay?)<br/>Feel free to skip, if you don't wanna read about that stuff. If you're familiar with Higgs journal you already know what's going to happen anyway.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Higgs stares at the mirror and his reflections stares back. Nothing special. Just a kid.Light blue eyes with dark circles underneath them. Hair that could use a cut. Clothes that don't quite fit right, sit a little too loose on his skinny frame. He’s always been lean, but lately he's starting to look starved. It’s a wonder Dad hasn’t noticed anything yet.</p>
<p>Or maybe it’s no wonder. Dad doesn’t notice much, other than when his beer supplies run out.</p>
<p><br/>The reason why Higgs looks so starved is because for the last couple of months he’s been storing his food.  Anything he could sneak past Dad he’s been secretly stashing away. He’s gonna need it. He doesn’t know where the next Prepper lives, doesn’t know how far he has to go to reach the next city. He doesn’t even know if they will let him in, <em> if </em> he ever makes it that far. <br/>He has only managed to talk to the Porters a few times, briefly, sometimes followed by a beating from Dad. He doesn’t want Higgs to talk to strangers. One of the Porters, his name is Micheal, has told him that it’s quite a hike to the next city. Higgs knows there’s snow up in the mountains, so much he has managed to find out. There’s another city, further south, which might be easier to reach, because he won’t have to make it through the mountains. Higgs doesn’t know. Maybe he’ll just go wherever the road takes him. <br/>That is, if he gets a chance to leave.</p>
<p>Dad is currently in one of his “phases” as Higgs likes to call it. Every few months he will start to drink more than usual. This goes on for a few days where he basically drinks non-stop until, eventually, he passes out, piss-drunk, sometimes right on the floor, in the bathroom, at the kitchen table.After that he usually stays in bed for a few days. When he finally emerges from the haze of sickness and delirium, he always feels so, so sorry. He makes promises, tells Higgs that none of this will ever happen again. That he will change his life from now on. “You’re a good kid, Higgs.” he usually tells him, when he realizes that Higgs has already picked up all the bottles, emptied all the ashtrays and cleaned up the living room.</p>
<p><br/>This phase, although his Dad stays sober for a few days, is actually the worst, because it reminds Higgs of how things could be if they were, well, <em> different </em>.  Each time Dad is trying his best to stay sober and act like a real father. Each time he fails. Watching him try while knowing that, after all, he's destined to repeat his mistakes over and over again hurts Higgs more than he'd like to admit. Dad’s intentions, that started out so good, soon become sour, his hands start to shake more every day as his mood turns. Higgs then gets to witness the beast waking up from its sleep, the monkey that sits on Dad’s shoulder gets louder and more demanding as it calls for that sweet, numbing liquor - until Dad finally gives in eventually.</p>
<p>It’s a dance that repeats itself every few months.<br/>Higgs tries not to be too disappointed. At least he gets a few good days.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Right now however, Dad is in his “blackout stage”. He’s been drinking all night and all morning and when Higgs tried to talk to him earlier, he didn't understand a word but instead looked right through him. That's was a good sign, at least for Higgs' plans. At around 7 am he passed out and since then he's been snoring on the sofa in the living room. Totally knocked out. Good.. This shall be the last time he will ever have to deal with this drunk asshole he calls Dad.<br/><br/>It’s not just about his Dad, though. It’s about this whole life, this prison, the same four walls, every day of his life. What’s it worth being alive if you’ve never seen the world? If you’ve never touched the earth or smelled the grass or felt the wind blowing over your skin? What’s life without freedom? It’s worthless. No, he won’t spend another day here in this hole, waiting to be buried.</p>
<p><br/>Higgs carefully opens his door, just a crack, and peeps into the small corridor. Empty. Of course it is. But better safe than sorry. He grabs the small backpack that he has hastily filled with the things he will need on the outside: food. A water bottle. A jacket to protect himself against Timefall. A book (the book isn’t exactly necessary but he has allowed himself one, just this one book) A picture of Mom that he snatched from Dad’s photo album. He doesn’t have a picture of his Dad, his real Dad, not that loser over in the living room.<br/>His Dad was… he would have never hid in a concrete grave. He would have understood. After all, he was one of those who are out there, every day, risking their lives; his Dad was a Porter and Higgs shall be damned if he spends another day living in fear from whatever it is that's waiting outside.<br/><br/>He takes a deep breath and steps into the corridor. <br/>Carefully, quietly, step by step he moves forward. He needs to get past Dad.<br/><em>Quiet now, quiet, or it will all be for nothing. </em> <br/>Past the kitchen. Up the stairs. He can see the door now. His heart is beating so fast, so loud, that for a moment he’s certain the sound will wake up Daddy. Then his hand meets the doorknob. Finally. He turns the knob and with a little “whoosh” the seal opens and the door slides aside. Before him lies an entire world, waiting to be seen.</p>
<p>“Ya little bastard.”<br/>A hand roughly pulls him back, grabs him by the collar of his shirt and before he even knows what has happened he gets dragged back into the shelter, pushed back down the stairs, back into the grave. Higgs hears the door slide, closing behind him, cutting off his only way out. <br/><em>No! <br/></em>He kicks his legs out, struggles, as he tries to get back up to his feet, but Dad is so much stronger. He drags Higgs around the corner, into the kitchen, shoves him into the tiny room. Higgs stumbles and he gasps in pain as he hits the corner of the kitchen table. The edge pushes into his side and he instantly feels a hot, crippling pain in his ribcage.</p>
<p>
  <em> Much, much later (oh Higgs has no idea where this day will lead him to, how important this day will be) he will find that he got left with an enormous black and blue bruise on his side. It will hurt for several weeks, won’t actually ever really heal and will forever cause him pain when he puts too much pressure on it, but Higgs won’t ever acknowledge it. He will live with it and try to forget it, like the rest of this day.  </em>
</p>
<p><em> (As he sits on the mattress with Sam now, telling his story, his hand automatically runs over the spot. </em> <em> <br/></em> <em> “Hurt like shit, lemme tell ya.” he says, grinning, trying to make light of the story, even though none of this is funny in any way.) </em></p>
<p>“And where do ya think ya goin?”<br/>Dad pulls him back up and shoves him against the wall, hard.</p>
<p>“Whadda tryin’ to do, boy? Ya not tryin’ to run… again are ya?”</p>
<p>“I’m not…”</p>
<p>“YA NOT WHAT?” Dad yells into his face, spit flying and his breath smells like alcohol and cigarettes. Higgs hates how his own voice turns all bristle and quiet when Dad yells at him. He hates how his limbs turn numb and how his legs start shaking and oh, how all of that makes him feel so sick, so incredibly sick. He wishes the ground would swallow him whole, he wishes somebody would come and save him, but that won’t happen, it has never happened in 19 years. Nobody came when Dad beat him when he was 6 for leaving his toys in the living room. Nobody saved him when he was 12 and Dad broke his arm for talking to one of the local Porters. He was alone when he was 15 and Dad locked him into his room for two days, no food, no water, because he found his diary. After these two days when he finally let Higgs come out  they had dinner in silence. Afterwards Dad had told him that he was sorry for locking him up, but that Higgs deserved to be punished. That having such thoughts wasn’t normal. That he was sick.. That he wanted Higgs to be normal and not a fucking … He had used a word Higgs had never heard before, but the way he said it made it seem like a horrible thing.</p>
<p><em> (Years later he will ask Seán to explain the meaning, and Seán will furrow his brows and ask him where he heard that word. It will make Higgs feel bad and guilty, like something isn’t right with him, but he tells him anyway, because he trusts him and Seán is his only friend. Seán will be quiet for a moment and then look at Higgs and tell him that it’s just a stupid word that only shitty people use and that it doesn’t matter what anybody thinks. He will smile and said ‘fuck ‘em, what do they know, right?’ and Higgs will feel better, he will feel relieved in a way, because Seán is right, he’s always right, fuck them, fuck Dad, what did he know? Nothing, that’s what.) </em> <em> <br/><br/></em></p>
<p>“I’m not staying here. I’m not staying here with you, Dad.”</p>
<p>“What was that?”<br/>Higgs feels his throat tighten, his heartbeat picking up pace, but what’s done is done; there’s no turning back now. <br/>“I’m not staying here with you. I can’t live my life like -<br/>SMASH.<br/>The fist hits him out of nowhere. His eyes instantly fill with tears, but even though his vision is blurred he can still see how the blood splashes to the ground. Then comes the nausea and for a second Higgs is certain he’s going to vomit and then pass out. But he fights against it, his body shaking violently, fights to stay awake, because, and the realization hits him hard, this is his final chance. It’s in the way Dad looks at him. Like for the first time he realizes that Higgs is serious, that this is no joke. That he will try everything, <em> anything </em> , to leave this place behind. This is it. It’s either today - or never. <br/><br/>Higgs watches the blood drip to the ground, drip, drip, drip. Just a little bit of blood. And as he watches the splashes form tiny puddles, a grin forms on his face. It’s just blood. Dad can beat him, sure. But he can’t stop him, can't beat his will out if him, his curiosity, his stubbornness. <br/><br/>“What’s so funny, huh?” Dad sounds irritated, confused. Angry.</p>
<p>“You can’t stop me, that is.” His voice might be quiet, but determined. The decision has been made. There is nothing Dad can do now to stop-</p>
<p>Just like he hasn’t seen the fist coming (and it’s crazy isn’t it? How is Dad so drunk and still so fucking fast?) Higgs doesn’t know what’s happening before it’s too late and Dad has already wrapped his hands around his neck. He squeezes and the effect is immediate. As his airflow gets cut off and as his lungs start to burn, immediate panic sets in.</p>
<p>Dad grabs him, moves him away from the wall, pushes him on the kitchen table, uses his weight to pin him down.</p>
<p>"Ya got… no idea… what I gave up for you, kid!" He's crying. He's really crying as his hands wrap tighter around Higgs throat, squeezing the last bit of air out.</p>
<p>"Don't ya see whatcha doin' to me Higgs?!"</p>
<p>Higgs tries to make a sound, tries to make him stop, but there's no air, no nothing, he's holding too tightly and with panic he realizes that he's not letting go. This isn't Dad trying to teach him a lesson. Not this time.</p>
<p>He desperately claws at Dad's hands, fingernails digging in, scratching, until he feels the skin being torn under his nails, but the bastard doesn’t even seem to notice it. He tries to go for his face, tries to push him away, but he’s just a skinny boy in dirty clothes and maybe he was never meant to see this world...<br/><br/></p>
<p>“Ya little piece of shit!”, Dad growls. “Have I not done e’rything for ya? Have I not raised ya, feed ya ass for nineteen fuckin’ years?! That how you thank me? Huh?”</p>
<p>He tightens his grip even further and black spots appear before Higgs’ eyes. </p>
<p>“I was tryin’ to protect your ungrateful ass!” he hisses, but Higgs can hardly understand it through the ringing in his ears. He tries to suck in air but it won’t reach his lungs. His head hurts. One more time he attempts to pull Dad’s hands away from him, but it’s useless, he slips off, loses his grip, he’s too weak. He tastes iron on his tongue and as his vision turns dark, his attempts to shove Dad away become weaker, arms flailing through the air, hands trying to hold onto anything, trying to do something, anything…</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>Maybe it’s better this way…</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>Something smooth and cold. </p>
<p>He doesn’t think. Only reacts. He’s an animal, trapped, dying, and as he lashes out, he doesn’t know about consequences. He doesn’t know about  yesterday or tomorrow. He only knows now, only knows that he won’t die here, won’t die in this shithole of shelter, four walls, concrete floor, steel ceiling, buried alive before he was old enough to talk, his father dead, killed by monsters that don’t belong in this world, killed because he tried to fix a world that’s not worth fixing, his mother dead because she kept believing in these lies, left with an uncle that made his life hell every single day and THIS CAN’T BE IT THIS CAN’T BE THE END THIS CAN’T BE</p>
<p>The knife enters his neck effortlessly. </p>
<p>His hands turn limp.</p>
<p>He sinks to the ground.</p>
<p>Twitches. Once. Twice.</p>
<p>It doesn’t even take long.</p>
<p>Higgs stares at the corpse of his uncle, the man that he used to call Dad, the man that raised him, loved him, beat him, mistreated him, once bought a cake for his birthday, the man who taught him how to shave and who once broke his arm, the man who loved his sister very much, so much he took it upon himself to raise her son after she had committed suicide. The man who filled his sisters head with stories about monsters, with fear and darkness.</p>
<p>He stares at this man, the only other human he has known nineteen years. Higgs sinks down to the ground. The knife slips out of his hand. <br/>Outside the sun disappears below the horizon. <br/><br/></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>that was a heavy one, I guess. I promise the next one is gonna be more... fun.<br/>Kinda makes me wanna write a whole story about Higgs past now. Oh well. &gt;.&lt;</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Night</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The silence covers the room like a heavy blanket, only interrupted by Higgs quietly sniffing. He quickly wipes his hand over the corner of his eye. Sam pretends like he didn’t notice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What happened then?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing. I stayed there the whole night. Lost track of time. Didn’t know what happened, didn't know what to do. Eventually I realized I had to get rid of Daddy. I knew what would happen if I didn’t - if nothing else, </span>
  <b>that</b>
  <span> was something he had taught me.."</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Higgs shifts around, turns sideways to face Sam and his shoulder accidentally brushes against Sam's. Usually Sam would feel uneasy having somebody sit by him so closely. But he knows he owes this to Higgs, owes him this little bit of comfort, after he made him relive those memories that he is sure Higgs would have much rather kept buried in his mind.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It doesn't matter anyway.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>None of this seems real. Sam feels this heavy tiredness and exhaustion that numbs his mind, makes it heavy and slow, but light and careless at the same time. Like it got wrapped in a layer of cotton. The soft blue light, Higgs quiet and unusual calm voice, all that makes it all seem like a weird dream. It's a strangely comforting feeling. Cozy. Like a hot shower on a snowy day. Like coming home after spending too much time outside in the rain. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I could barely move him.” Higgs whispers. “Did what I could but it didn’t take long till </span>
  <em>
    <span>they </span>
  </em>
  <span>started showing up. I had never seen one, but God, I could </span>
  <em>
    <span>feel </span>
  </em>
  <span>‘em. Their presence. Like ice in my veins.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam nods silently. He knows that feeling.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I knew it was too late for me to run, and just as that </span>
  <em>
    <span>thing </span>
  </em>
  <span>reached out for him - I could see my hands…" He shakes his head, doesn't know how to describe it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Well, and then…Boom. Just like that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Void-out?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hhmh.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your first time?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“First time that I died? Yeah. I had never even heard of DOOMS, yet alone ‘Repatriots’. After that I quickly figured something about me was… different.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Must have been scary.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“'t was.” Higgs admits, before he looks up, his expression unusually thoughtful.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I guess you should feel honoured now, Sam. First time anyone's ever heard that story."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You regret tellin’ me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Higgs looks at him and his eyes rest on Sam’s face a few seconds too long.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Should I? Now that you discovered all of my little secrets…  Will you rat me out? Snitch to Big Brother, tell 'em to come and get me?” Higgs tries, but he can’t quite hide behind his careless grin.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam thinks about it for a moment, then decides it's better to go with the truth. “Considered it.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Don't think ya much of a threat anymore, even with your powers. You wanted to hurt anyone, you'd have done so by now. So no; I won't tell anyone."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Higgs sights in relief.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know they couldn’t kill me, being a Repatriate 'n' all. They'd lock me up. Put me in a cage and throw away the key."  He pauses. "There are things worse than death.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I won’t tell anyone.” Sam repeats.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you, Sam.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It sounds like he means it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They sit in silence for a moment, listening to the sound of whatever machines are running below them, a constant humming in the background.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You could've easily saved yourself out there. Could've kept your power a secret.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Higgs grins, then mimics Sam's words from before: “Considered it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But ya didn’t. You came back for me. Why?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Was I supposed to let you die, Sam?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He turns his head, catches Sam staring at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You really do care, don't you?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam lifts his hand and carefully brushes over the bruises on Higgs’ neck. Even though he only touches him ever so lightly, Higgs whinces. He grabs Sam's wrist and pulls his hand away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Stop. Please."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Higgs eyes shoot down at Sam's wrist where there is already a new handprint forming. It tingles, an allergic reaction to the chiralium that's also flowing through Higgs' veins.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The sensation makes the hair on Sam's arms stand up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Does it hurt?" Higgs asks with a mix of amusement and  fascination. He turns Sam's arm around and then moves his thumb over the inside Sam's wrist where it leaves a red streak.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Nah."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What's it feel like?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Just feels weird. Like an electric buzz under my skin."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Huh."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Higgs tightens his grip, presses his palm hard onto Sam's arm one final time, before he lets go.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The print he left is bright red, but Sam knows it will soon fade into a dark stencil like the rest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Now you'll have something to remember me."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam huffs. "Yeah. Like I don't already have enough memories of you."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Bad one or good ones?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Both." It's the most honest answer Sam can give.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The look on Higgs face shifts, becomes serious all of a sudden.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Sam, I'm-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam doesn't know what makes him lean forward. He's not thinking. Thinking has never been his thing. He's just reacting.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It's careful, soft, warm, and it feels so much better than he could have ever imagined.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam doesn't know what grants him more satisfaction; the surprised little moan that unwillingly escapes Higgs' mouth as their lips touch; or the confused look that still remains on his face when Sam pulls away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Caught you off guard, huh?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For once, Higgs doesn't waste time talking.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He grabs Sam’s shirt and pulls him right back. His kisses are like everything about him: passionate, bold, hungry. He quickly gets his hands all over Sam and the little streaks of electricity soon make Sam’s whole body prickle.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Higgs diggs his hands through his hair, pulls him on top of him. His hands slide under Sam's shirt and quickly yanks it over his head, before he then gets rid of his own. Sam puts his hand on Higgs' chest, feels his heart beating under his palm, way too fast, way too excited. He didn't think Higgs could ever lose his cool - and yet here they are.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Whatever strange reality this is it feels fucking amazing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He leans down, kisses Higgs again, nothing soft or careful about it anymore. He feels his dick getting hard and he's pretty sure Higgs can feel it, too, because his hands suddenly wander down to the seam of Sam's pants.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You wanna have some fun, Sammy-Boy?" He's out to breath, his voice dark and coarse.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam reacts by letting his own hands wander over Higgs' stomach, down his pants, stroking over the fabric. He gives him a light squeeze and the way Higgs twitches and inhales sharply almost drives him mad.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Meanwhile Higgs has found the buttons on Sam's pants. He's fumbling around and Sam is sure if he takes just a few seconds longer he’s gonna go insane, why on earth does he take so fucking-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Wait. Hold on, stop-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Make me.” The playful tone almost makes Sam surrender. Almost. He grabs Higgs’ wrists.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Seriously. Stop.”<br/><br/></span>
  <span>Higgs looks up to him, disappointment  and confusion written on his face..</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your hands. They’re shaking like crazy, you alright?”<br/></span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Huh.” Higgs looks down, extends his arms and it’s only now that Sam realizes how bad it actually is. And it’s not just his hands either. He’s shaking overall and now that he gets to take a better look Higgs also seems awfully pale. Sam has seen those symptoms before. Overuse of DOOMs. Travelling to the beach consumes a shitton of energy. Especially if someone isn’t used to it. Looking at it like this it’s a wonder he hasn’t passed out yet.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe I’m just excited-” He reaches his hands out again, but Sam cuts him off.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No.” He carefully pushes Higgs back before he climbs off of him, suppressing his own egoistic wish to go on, to ignore the problem just a  few minutes longer.  “You need to rest.”<br/></span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Higgs smirks as leans in a little closer. “Can you imagine how rested I’d be after you’d fu-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t make this harder as it is.”<br/></span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I think it’s already pretty </span>
  <b>hard</b>
  <span>, Sam.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam shakes his head. “Sleep.” He grabs the blanket from the lower end of the bed and tosses it to Higgs. “Don’t wanna have to carry your ass all the way to Lake Knot.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You always gotta ruin all the fun, don’t ya...”, Higgs mumbles, but he takes the blanket and covers himself up.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sam rests his back against the wall and wonders how in the hell they ended up like this. Just yesterday he would have almost killed Higgs. And now? He would like nothing more than to slip his hands under that blanket, touch Higgs, feel him and-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Stop it. He needs some rest.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He peeks at Higgs who, to his surprise, already seems to be dozing off. His eyes are closed and his breathing is going slow and steady. Well, that was quicker than expected.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Truth to be told Sam himself could use some sleep. Now that the adrenalin has been wearing off he feels really sleepy.</span>
  <span></span>
    <br/>
  
  <span>He carefully gets up from the bed and walks over to push the power button on the little blue lamp. The light flickers before it slowly fades off. It leaves him with nothing but comforting darkness.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Sam walks back and quickly slips out of his pants, before he silently sneaks back into bed. It’s not a great mattress, but being able to extend his limbs feels wonderful.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know” Higgs voice sounds so drowsy, that for a moment Sam believes he’s talking in his sleep. “We could just try fucking real slow. That might work.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just shut up and sleep.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Killjoy.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I will now wait for the earth to swallow me, kthxbye &gt;.&lt;</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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